Funny One-liners

[Bizarra]

1-20 21-40 41-60 61-80 81-100

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 322642791053

2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 20412764723

3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 19182777859

4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 16582194536

5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 16232139516

6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 15922220628

7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 15222031509

8 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 13971812415

9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 13661803437

10 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 13301607277

11 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 13211763442

12 War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 13231743420

13 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 12711819548

14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11961755559

15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 11961574378

16 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 11761483307

17 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 11421416274

18 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 10981469371

19 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 10591365306

20 If sex is a pain in the *****, then you're doing it wrong... 10401770730

< Previous Next > 1-20

[Parts-King]

I'm a particular fan of Groucho Marx quotations

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Aaah good old Groucho :D:

Kingo

[Bizarra]

Those were brilliant, Kingo. Groucho was a true genius

1-20 21-40 41-60 61-80 81-100

21 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 10181393375

22 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 9931134141

23 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 9451288343

24 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 9071114207

25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 8911221330

26 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 8701243373

27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 8461247401

28 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 8331212379

29 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 8251233408

30 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 8211017196

31 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 7991088289

32 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 7821167385

33 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 7771056279

34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 7591134375

35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 7171205488

36 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 7081025317

37 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 6961243547

38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 681899218

39 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? 662848186

40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 657910253

< Previous Next >

[Parts-King]

Oscar Wilde is another favourite

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Work is the downfall of the drinking class like that one

Kingo

[toyboata]

excellent! keep em coming!

[Parts-King]

He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.

-- Iain Duncan Smith (on Tony Blair's attitude towards Europe

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

-- Bette Davis (Cabin in the Cotton, 1932)

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

-- Kevin Meaney

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

-- Joan Rivers (on Marie Osmond)

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-- Margaret Thatcher

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

-- D ick Van !Removed! Forgot about the swaer filter

Kingo

[Bizarra]

1-20 21-40 41-60 61-80 81-100

41 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 665921256

42 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 657997340

43 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 654950296

44 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 653967314

45 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 644856212

46 God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 620898278

47 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 611915304

48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 597764167

49 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 590745155

50 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 578798220

51 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 564757193

52 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 555777222

53 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 551972421

54 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 548693145

55 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 541710169

56 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 532862330

57 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 528795267

58 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 521723202

59 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 514900386

60 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 492658166

< Previous Next >

[Bizarra]

1-20 21-40 41-60 61-80 81-100

61 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 494718224

62 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 492611119

63 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 488681193

64 I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 485725240

65 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 484855371

66 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 485635150

67 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 473784311

68 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 467634167

69 When in doubt, mumble. 445693248

70 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 443622179

71 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 444655211

72 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 442701259

73 I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 436689253

74 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 436697261

75 You're never too old to learn something stupid. 430586156

76 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 429590161

77 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 419793374

78 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 416645229

79 Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 414686272

80 I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. 414733319

< Previous Next > 1-20

[Bizarra]

41-60 61-80 81-100

81

82 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 416614198

83 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 412616204

84 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an *****. 412742330

85 I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 406988582

86 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 397624227

87 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 387580193

88 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 383581198

89 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 383619236

90 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 375594219

91 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! 375641266

92 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 364554190

93 Fighting for peace is like **** for virginity. 36244179

94 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 356597241

95 Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." 352608256

96 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one ubik and it is gone. 341634293

97 If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? 326517191

98 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 313561248

99 Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 313597284

100 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 311658347

Go To Runners-Up< Previous Next > 1-20 21-40

[Bizarra]

... 61-80 81-100 101-120 121-140 141-160 ... 481-500

101 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. 291548257

102 Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 27532752

103 I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 24031676

104 When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 23129362

105 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 22826234

106 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 21323926

107 What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..." 20826759

108 You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', '*****', and 'Colon'. Need I say more? 18922940

109 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 18321229

110 If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does. 17820426

111 The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 16220240

112 I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 16223573

113 Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. 15623882

114 Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 15119140

115 You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. 14917930

116 Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. 14518136

117 Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye. 13819658

118 The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 138453315

119 George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu. 13621276

120 By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

[Bizarra]

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. 132333201

122 Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy. 13115827

123 Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 13017444

124 I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 12621993

125 It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 12217351

126 Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? 12117150

127 Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. 12119069

128 I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 11914021

129 We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 11615337

130 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 11615438

131 If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "****" and "syphilis" 11416753

132 It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. 11117261

133 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 10913223

134 The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. 10914031

135 By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 10714336

136 When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 10717467

137 Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. 10514338

138 Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her. 10517772

139 Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. 105289184

140 If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 10312219

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 81-100

[Bizarra]

1-20 ... 121-140 141-160 161-180 181-200 201-220 ... 481-500

161 I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. 75269194

162 According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. 739522

163 The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. 7210028

164 Don't ***** me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 7212250

165 Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. 719928

166 Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. 698718

167 I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle. 699122

168 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. 688315

169 Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. 688618

170 There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. 688921

171 I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. 6811042

172 IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 6811244

173 Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 6715285

174 Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. 6610337

175 To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. 658520

176 Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter". 6511348

177 Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter. 648117

178 If you can't convince them, confuse them. 648420

179 A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 648521

180 The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. 648723

< Previous Next > 1-20

[Bizarra]

160 161-180 181-200 201-220 221-240 ... 481-500

181 A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 638522

182 The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. 638724

183 For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. 628119

184 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. 628725

185 There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. 628826

186 Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. 617615

187 Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. 618625

188 What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 6115493

189 Without nipples, breasts would be pointless. 608020

190 The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. 608828

191 I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am. 6010444

192 What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon. 597819

193 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' 599435

194 Don't steal. That's the government's job. 5910041

195 See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time. 588224

196 They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 5811456

197 A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised. 577114

198 Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'? 577619

199 The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. 579134

200 What if there were no hypothetical questions? 579740

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 141-160 161-180

[Bizarra]

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 201-220 221-240 241-260 261-280 281-300 ... 481-500

241 There are no winners in life...only survivors. 436017

242 The farther away the future is, the better it looks. 425614

243 If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane. 425816

244 If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now. 426321

245 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. 428139

246 Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. 429654

247 Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. 415918

248 Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. 416120

249 Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. 416726

250 I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying 417231

251 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 41509

252 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 405717

253 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 405818

254 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals. 406020

255 Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it ****s on your head. 406020

256 I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? 407030

257 The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. 408949

258 The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. 39434

259 My drinking team has a bowling problem. 405818

260 I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. 396021

[Bizarra]

liners that did not make it to the TOP 100.

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 181-200 201-220 221-240 241-260 261-280 ... 481-500

221 We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die. 497728

222 I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. 497829

223 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 486416

224 How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 487426

225 She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. 488234

226 No one is listening until you fart. 476821

227 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? 477528

228 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 478841

229 Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!" 466519

230 Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 466721

231 Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it. 467832

232 I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it? 468034

233 Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. 469751

234 Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 4611670

235 The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have *****s on three sides of you. 4612781

236 There are no winners in life...only survivors. 456217

237 Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. 445713

238 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 446521

239 It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. 446824

240 When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise! 447127

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 181-200

[Bizarra]

281-300 301-320 321-340 ... 481-500

281 Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git". 374811

282 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 375114

283 It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it. 395314

284 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 375316

285 You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? 375417

286 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 375922

287 During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 379558

288 I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *****s. 3711578

289 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 36459

290 If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. 364610

291 Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 364711

292 Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. 364913

293 Two eyebrows are better than one. 365519

294 If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun. 365923

295 You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. 355419

296 Why is a bra singular and panties plural? 344814

297 Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 344814

298 Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 345016

299 Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? 345117

300 In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 345723

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 241-260 261-280

[Bizarra]

... 281-300 301-320 321-340 341-360 361-380 ... 481-500

321 Strangers have the best candy. 326836

322 I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself. 304313

323 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. 304616

324 If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? 304717

325 I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. 305222

326 It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like a pack of wild dogs. 306131

327 Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 306535

328 They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. 307444

329 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 308454

330 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 29356

331 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 29389

332 Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. 28346

333 The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. 28357

334 The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have. 28379

335 I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again. 284012

336 I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet. 294516

337 What is a commitee? It is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. 284416

338 If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions. 284517

339 Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. 284719

340 It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 296536

< Previous Next > 1-20 ...

[Bizarra]

not make it to the TOP 100.

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 301-320 321-340 341-360 361-380 381-400 ... 481-500

341 You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. 286840

342 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 28324

343 Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store. 27369

344 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 284012

345 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. 274316

346 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? 284416

347 A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. 274518

348 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 284719

349 I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken. 275023

350 Squirrels - nature's speed bumps. 27156129

351 Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege! 26304

352 Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 26359

353 Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 263812

354 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 264418

355 The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. 264923

356 Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have trained for years and years can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. 275124

357 Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice. 25305

358 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. 25316

359 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 25338

360 Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. 253611

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 301-320 321

[Bizarra]

381 Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. 233310

382 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 233916

383 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? 234017

384 Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! 234724

385 If a dog sniffs your *****, you're probably a bitch. 2311794

386 Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 22286

387 Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 223412

388 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 223614

389 On the other hand... You have different fingers. 223614

390 I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. 223917

391 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 223917

392 I think, therefore I'm single. 224220

393 A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. 224321

394 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 224422

395 Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. 224927

396 I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side. 226038

397 The winner of the rat race is still a rat. 21221

398 It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !! 21254

399 People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 21276

400 The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy". 21287

[Bizarra]

... 381-400 401-420 421-440 441-460 461-480 ... 481-500

421 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 203111

422 With a calendar, your days are numbered. 203111

423 A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. 203313

424 I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert. 203313

425 Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. 203313

426 A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture. 203414

427 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 203414

428 What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 203818

429 You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 203919

430 I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. 204020

431 Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed. 204020

432 A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives. 204323

433 Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it 204626

434 I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 204626

435 When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. 204828

436 A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. 205535

437 I bet you I could stop gambling. 205939

438 If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages. 206444

439 People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. 19234

440 When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 193112

< Previous Next > 1-20 ...

[Bizarra]

... 361-380 381-400 401-420 421-440 441-460 ... 481-500

401 A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. 224321

402 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 224422

403 Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! 224422

404 A baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. 228260

405 668 - The neighbour of the beast. 229674

406 The winner of the rat race is still a rat. 21221

407 It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !! 21254

408 People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 21276

409 The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy". 21287

410 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. 21287

411 Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me. 213110

412 I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part. 213110

413 With a calendar, your days are numbered. 213211

414 If anything is used to its full potential, it will break. 213312

415 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 213615

416 An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. 213716

417 It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. 213716

418 If idiots could fly this place would be an airport. 213918

419 It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole. 213918

420 I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 214120

< Previous Next > 1-20 ...

[Bizarra]

... 401-420 421-440 441-460 461-480 481-500

441 Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? 193213

442 Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. 193213

443 When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 193415

444 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 193415

445 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 193516

446 Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 193617

447 Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone! 193617

448 If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila! 193718

449 A life... cool.. where can I download one of those? 193819

450 You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 193920

451 Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. 193920

452 I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. 194021

453 Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 194021

454 I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 194021

455 Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed. 194021

456 My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. 194122

457 A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives. 194324

458 I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 194627

459 When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. 194829

460 I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time. 196748

< Previous Next > 1-20 ...

[Bizarra]

... 401-420 421-440 441-460 461-480 481-500

461 You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. 197657

462 I would give $1000 to be a millionaire. 18246

463 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 182810

464 Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. 183214

465 When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? 183214

466 It's bad luck to be superstitious. 183618

467 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 183921

468 Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. 184022

469 I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." 184224

470 The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 184325

471 According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. 184325

472 How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 184931

473 I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time. 186749

474 Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong". 189779

475 ARMY: The enemy attacks on two occasions: When he's ready, and when you're not. 17258

476 Man has will, woman has way. 17258

477 A hard thing about a business is minding your own. 172710

478 Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win. 172710

479 The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success. 172811

480 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 173720

< Previous Next > 1-20 ... 401-420 421-440

[Bizarra]

401-420 421-440 441-460 461-480 481-500

481 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 173720

482 I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. 174326

483 You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. 16171

484 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 162812

485 The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success. 162812

486 I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth. 163014

487 The internet isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble. 163317

488 Don't let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance. 163620

489 You're old when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 163721

490 What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. 164529

491 My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can. 153116

492 Celebrity: someone who works all his life to be recognized, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. 153116

493 Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper. 153318

494 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. 153520

495 If you can read this, the bitch fell off... [seen on the back of a biker's vest] 155035

496 My life needs a rewind/erase button. 142511

497 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 143723

498 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 13163

499 Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys. 13218

500 I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils 123725

< Previous Next > 1-20 ...