The Scotsman's Guide To Making Love

[Hou]

THE SCOTSMAN'S GUIDE TO MAKING LOVE

PREPARATION

Friday night is a very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken o the traditional aphrodisiac 12 pints, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions=his mind is set on one thing-LOVE or as he says "ma nookie!"

His lust a fever pitch after a sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion "ony chance o ma hole"

The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision o pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtations reply "awa tae ubick, ya bampot ye!"

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed sing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "here we go, here we go, here we go." Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "ya useless barsteward," or possibly, I'll tell ye wan thing....it never happens tae ra milkman.

FELLATIO

Oral is a great favorite of the Scotsman, He approaches his wife with a cheeky innovation, "how'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?" Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. Guan yersel," she says, "just dinnae bother me."

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation, A phenomenon he explains to his wife using a poetic phrase "Ubick me I've shaot ma load" If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "*******, axehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now trusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "are you sure its in?" given this level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be versatile lover specializing in faked !Removed!. This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man." Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his ***** on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.

Aye there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of s*x.

[Bizarra]

Thats brilliant Hou :lol2: You'd better go into hiding now, before our Scots contingent get out their claymores

[balli hi]

Agreed that is quite funny , i'm a bit surprised though to see a few naughty words have crept under the swear filter radar , i'm not a prude mind you

Anyway i do believe in t*t for tat , and eagerly await a full and proper response from the afore mentioned Scots contingent :lol2:

[Red Yaris 54]

Agreed that is quite funny , i'm a bit surprised though to see a few naughty words have crept under the swear filter radar , i'm not a prude mind you

Anyway i do believe in t*t for tat , and eagerly await a full and proper response from the afore mentioned Scots contingent :lol2:

I must apologise for the fact that the automatic swear filter must have been switched off at the time that Hou posted that

I think that it has subsequently been turned back on ;)

Maybe this would have been better posted in the "Unmoderated" Supporters Forum

[Hou]

Sorry, I forget that the swear filter is off

Cheers for fixing steve

[Red Yaris 54]

Sorry, I forget that the swear filter is off

Cheers for fixing steve

Twas funny though

[Blue84]

I have no problems with understanding scottish accent but cant read it at all!

[bothwell_buyer]

Tis a fair bet that Hou emanates from the deeper bowels of Edinburgher. White puddin is no fur sale in the West of Scotland and is a peculiar bent (favourite) of the east-coaster (one who hangs windward)

Next time yer up in Scotland young Hou, stay awa frae the Buckfast as ah can read behin yer wurds that ye must hae had a relationship wi wan o the wumin o the nicht sumwhaur north o Berwick???

Its no the milkman roon here either - mair the windie-cleaner but ah've managed tae refuse his passionate embrace gesture onytime I pay him fur his services (why is it that ye cannae get wumin windie-cleaners??) £9 isnae much tae ask tae get yer place doon oot.

[Bizarra]

Welcome back. Bothy

I. for one. have sorely missed your presence

[bothwell_buyer]

Welcome back. Bothy

I. for one. have sorely missed your presence

Gawd bless ye, ye miserable cretin! A'hve bin awa getting lessons frae the future King of Englander on etiqwhet an no runnin fawlk up the wrang way, ye ken....

Video killed the Radio star and Prozac killed everything else :lol: