Top Tips

[Raistlin]

Top Tips

Some of these are old but still very useful!!!

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers; avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it in the first place you lardy bums.

4. Housewives when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

5. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle

6. Increase Blind peoples electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.

7. Don’t buy expensive “ribbed” condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it, before you put it on.

8. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

9. Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars simply stand nearer to the object you are trying to view.

10. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Thicken up runny low fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard

13. Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

14. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

15. Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower

16. Man Utd fans, save money on expensive new team strips, simply strap a fake willy to your forehead and it will become immediately clear to all, as to which team you support.

17. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the loo seat by always using the sink.

18. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they are always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know the difference.

19. Invited by Vegetarians to dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice juicy rare steak.

[Bizarra]

I must print these off & stick them to my freezer. for handy reference

[Raistlin]

I must print these off & stick them to my freezer. for handy reference

Why the freezer ?

[Bizarra]

I must print these off & stick them to my freezer. for handy reference

Why the freezer ?

Coz I can usually remember where it is & can find it without my glasses :lol2:

[Raistlin]

I must print these off & stick them to my freezer. for handy reference

Why the freezer ?

Coz I can usually remember where it is & can find it without my glasses :lol2:

I would have thought the wine rack would have been a better place :D

[Bizarra]

I must print these off & stick them to my freezer. for handy reference

Why the freezer ?

Coz I can usually remember where it is & can find it without my glasses :lol2:

I would have thought the wine rack would have been a better place :D

Genius I'll move it

[-T- Sport]

[junebug1701]

Top Tips

5. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle

And if anyone should walk up and say, "Is anyone sitting there?" simply smile broadly and reply, "Only my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Chr!st!"

[balli hi]

16. Man Utd fans, save money on expensive new team strips, simply strap a fake willy to your forehead and it will become immediately clear to all, as to which team you support.

[Raistlin]

Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats.

One to sit in, the other to throw when the fightin starts.

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."

So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.

A. Who gives a F**K!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?

A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?

A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?

A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?

A: Problem solved

Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans

A: Gross Stupidity

Q: Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?

A: To prove that crap can float.

Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?

A. So they know which end to wipe!

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?

A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

Just Teasing :P :D

[balli hi]

the man-u joke was better though

[Raistlin]

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his tool made from Cadburys chocolate.

She said that she prefers Terrys

John Terry can't wait to play away at Hull.

He loves coming over the Bridge.

Wayne Bridge has refused to play in the same England team as John Terry in this years world cup after the affair with his missus ...........

Any chance we can get him to shag Emile Heskeys missus sometime soon ??

[balli hi]

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his tool made from Cadburys chocolate.

She said that she prefers Terrys

LMAO.....

[Raistlin]

Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford. B)

Fabio Capello has just phoned Wayne Bridge and said "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captains armband.

Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me"