My New Works Contract

February 19, 2004

Do you think I should sign this?

Aaron commercials Works Contract

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada sneakers & carrying a £600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a rise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan.1, May 1 & Dec 25

BEREAVEMNT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees who’s names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees who’s names begin with “B” will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

If you are unable to go in the allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time ith a co-worker. Both employee’s supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time they needed to drink Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore , all questions, comments, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere!!!