Skiving Gets The Thumbs Up

June 9, 2010

Wednesday June 09 2010

Cigarettes and alcohol come with a government health warning, but so should working too hard, according to the European Heart Journal. Yup, apparently the big-brained boffins believe all work and no play not only makes jack a dull boy but also increases your risk of coronary heart disease. So it seems skiving off work could in fact save your life.

The good news is most of us are health-conscious enough to realise this.

The majority of employees, almost six in 10 (57pc), 'fessed up to lying to their boss about being ill last year, according to researchers at employment law firm Peninsula Ireland. That figure has risen dramatically from the year before when fewer than four in 10 (37pc) owned up to falsely phoning in sick.

It is predicted 63pc of Irish workers will consider pulling a sickie at least one day this year.

But, shockingly, there is prejudice against those of us who take the healthy option and skive off work every now and again.

Business leaders have tried to instil a culture where 'illness and lunch is for wimps,' while constantly moaning that absentee-ism costs the country over €1bn every year. But how dare they try to make us feel like it is unpatriotic to call in sick?

Skiving has always been an essential tool in levelling the playing field in the centuries-old battle between industry and idleness, according to Tom Hodgkinson, author of the Bible of all skivers, How To Be Idle.

Workers have constantly battled against the long hours of the working week. Back in the 17th century, pulling a sickie on Mondays was sacrosanct.

This saw the start of the working week become known as Saint Monday, an unofficial day off that was always idled away drinking with friends.

One commentator back in 1681 noted: "The weavers, 'tis common with them to be drunk on Monday, have their head-ache on Tuesday, and their tools out of order on Wednesday." Proper order, too.

However, along came the industrial revolution and it imposed a blueprint for the working week on workers the world over. But, according to Hodgkinson, our desire for days off wasn't so easily quenched and "Saint Monday was widely honoured throughout the 18th, 19th and even the 20th centuries."

Now, in a more pressurised and regulated working environment, Saint Monday has become more of a moveable feast but still exists in the guise of absentee-ism.

Indeed, in the age of the rat race pulling a sickie is a justifiable reaction to our economic enslavement. It is every employee's right! But some are better at pulling sickies than others.

Remarkably, the bizarre excuses given by workers when skiving off work include: "I forgot to come back to work after lunch" and "My bus broke down and was held up by robbers" as noted by Australian firm Direct Health Solutions.

Other gems, according to recruitment website, Careerbuilder.com, include: "I had a heart attack earlier this morning, but I'm all better now" and "I donated too much blood." But our favourites have to be: "My psychic told me to stay home," "I swallowed too much mouthwash" and "My wife burned all my clothes and I have nothing to wear to work." Classic, but highly likely to get you a one-way ticket to the dole queue.

So to help you skive like you've never skived before read our guide How To Fake A Sick Day below (opposite). And if your boss becomes suspicious and says pointedly: "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately," simply smile, look him in the eye and say, "I wouldn't say I've been 'missing' it."

How to fake a sick day

With weather experts finally predicting a hot and sultry summer and the World Cup on its way, no one wants to be cooped up in work all day. So as the warmer weather rolls in, it is high time you began perfecting your skiving-off skills to make sure when the time comes you always achieve sickie success.

Rule 1: Pick the day

This should be a no-brainer, but if you are to become a sick- day specialist never pull a sickie on Monday, Friday or the day before or after a holiday. Midweek is the best as you won't arouse as much suspicion and it nicely breaks up the drudgery of the working week.

Rule 2: Ditch the drama

While it's important to actually sound sick when you call your boss, there is no need for soap- opera hysterics. Try sounding more 'under the weather' than 'on your death bed.' Call when you wake up first thing in the morning as your voice will sound naturally groggy. Lying on your back while speaking will also give added affect.

Rule 3: Less is more

Saying you've contracted swine flu or the Ebola virus is only going to cause you problems. Never fake anything you have to maintain the next day.

Try something like the classic upset stomach or dodgy late-night kebab. Let's face it, when you return to work nobody is going to want to hear the gory details of your intimate one-day relationship with the toilet.

Rule 4: Keep it real

The day after your sickie keep things low key. Don't suddenly arrive in with a new haircut or newly purchased clothes. Try to appear off form and never apologise for your absence. Let people ask you how you are feeling and simply bask in the attention (and sympathy?).

Finally, in the unlikely event you get rumbled or sacked using the above tried and tested rules, remember -- you didn't hear them from us.