Paraprosdokians

[oakridge]

I hope that at least some of these are new to you.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paycheques.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Malcolm

[jw67]

Some very funny ones in there

[Red Yaris 54]

Some well past their "sell by" date :shutit:

[Raistlin]

Many already posted

[bothwell_buyer]

Nothing like encouraging a new poster, and that was nothing like encouraging an new poster from the replies above...but then, what would one expect?

[Raistlin]

Nothing like encouraging a new poster, and that was nothing like encouraging an new poster from the replies above...but then, what would one expect?

Shut it Bothy...

[oakridge]

Oh, I'm pretty thick skinned and might retaliate with tons of old stuff like:

There was a farm at Huddersfield

That had a cow that wouldn't yield.

The reason why she wouldn't yield,

She didn't like her udders feeled.

Mary had an iron cow

She milked it with a spanner.

Milk came out in shillin' tins,

and little 'uns for a tanner.

Finally, read out loud:

OLOLAQICI82QB4IP.

I learnt that 45 years before texting came along.

Malcolm

[Raistlin]

Oh, I'm pretty thick skinned and might retaliate with tons of old stuff like:

There was a farm at Huddersfield

That had a cow that wouldn't yield.

The reason why she wouldn't yield,

She didn't like her udders feeled.

Mary had an iron cow

She milked it with a spanner.

Milk came out in shillin' tins,

and little 'uns for a tanner.

Finally, read out loud:

OLOLAQICI82QB4IP.

I learnt that 45 years before texting came along.

Malcolm

Thers nothing wrong with Huddersfield, I was born in Holmfirth

[Red Yaris 54]

Thers nothing wrong with Huddersfield, I was born in Holmfirth

Trouble at mill lad?

[oakridge]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but not a lot.

A Yorkshireman is a Scotsman stripped of a his generosity.

If tha's gonna do 'owt for anybody, do it for thy'sen.

There's no need to ask someone if he's a Yorkshireman because he will very soon tell you.

The Barnsley Warcry; 'How Much'!

Malcolm. On a serious note, a Yorkshireman, son of a South Yorkshire miner killed at Manvers Main in 1966 at the time of Aberfan.

[Phoenix999]

Thers nothing wrong with Huddersfield....

Especially when being 100+ miles away

[Raistlin]

Steady... :D