Whoops

[Raistlin]

Manchester United's dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby;

"Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this blue shit.

Now I don't care if you kick, punch or head-butt your way to victory, you must win this. Good luck."

Then Sir Alex walks in and says, "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here." .

[Raistlin]

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says, "I prefer Chelsea fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

[balli hi]

See you in Munich Raist.........No hold on Utd were knocked out ages ago , silly me , oh well, see you at Wembley then, no hold on Utd got knocked out of the FA Cup ages ago oh well i guess it just leaves me to say............. COME ON CITYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[balli hi]

Sidestepping Raists crap jokes, i'll move swiftly on to the point in hand, and the small matter of me Chels making it to the Champions League final i'll just repeat that, Chelsea are in the Champions League final .

Nobody gave us a prayer of getting past Barcelona, no not even me, but somehow don't ask me how but we're there, but boy have we paid a price, Terry sent off and deservedly so, what a F :censor: G plank, what was he thinking of :ffs: , the ones i feel sorry for are Ramires, Ivanovic , and meireles who will all also miss the final, if i thought it would be hard , near impossible even, getting past Barca, i can't see how we can possibly hope to beat either Jose's Madrid or Bayern in their own back yard with those 4 missing, i never thought i'd hear myself say that we'd miss Ramires especially after his first season at the bridge, but boy has he come on leaps and bounds to the point where i would possibly name him first on the sheet every week, what a goal he scored by the way, if Messi had done that the sycophant's would have been gushing for weeks to come, either way, i'll enjoy the moment for now , and hope whoever Di Matteo brings in can do a job for us, but if i'm honest i think we'll get beat, unless of course we have another miracle left in our locker :D ......C'mon Chels

[Raistlin]

It was a fair effort...

[Parts-King]

Fair Doos Bali, I didnt get chance to see the game as I was out assessing but by all accounts it was a hell of a game

Did the Ref help you?

ive just watched a video of him putting the knee in, what the hell was he thinking of?

Kingo

[Manxrav]

Typical JT, what a complete D***K, did he not realise he would not get away with that one. Barca had 72% of the game and all Chelski did was put 10 men in defence. Depending on who wins the other Semi ( me thinks Real) it will be a differant outcome to last night.

Regards Clare

[Parts-King]

I'm afraid we see it week in week out now Clare, holding, pushing, pulling of shirts, spitting

We need a stronger stance from our Referee's who need to be backed by the FA and the Managers Association to stop it. A few penalties given and the managers will have that Referee taken off games, that's how powerful they have become. The FA have no teeth to stop it either

A couple of seasons back they wanted to put an end to the Referee being surrounded by players after making decisions, has that stopped? Nope it has'nt

Kingo

[balli hi]

Typical JT, what a complete D***K, did he not realise he would not get away with that one. Barca had 72% of the game and all Chelski did was put 10 men in defence. Depending on who wins the other Semi ( me thinks Real) it will be a differant outcome to last night.

Regards Clare

Hi Clare

Whilst i agree with you that JT was a complete ***** in getting himself sent off, i have to disagree that it was 'typical JT' , as a Chelsea fan i get the chance to watch him week in and week out, and i can't remember the last time i saw him do something like that off the ball, what he did there for me was not only irresponsible but totally unforgivable, BUT out of character ( on the pitch ).

Regards possession, not sure what you expected Chelsea to do, out-pass Barcelona ? , Arzenal tried that a few years ago and got thumped, however more recently when they played a more defensive approach relying on counter attack against Barca they had more success beating Barca 2-1 and i'm sure the possession stats were something like 70-30 in Barca's favour, then there was the Champions league final against Man U, Utd tried to go toe to toe with Barca and were completely outplayed, they got absolutely murdered in fact, so not sure your being entirely fair, yes Chelsea had 10 men behind the ball at times, not forgetting that it was 10 V 11 for an hour or so, plus we lost our other central defender Cahil early on, which meant thet we had to reshuffle and play a midfielder at right back and a right back in central defence, two right backs in central defence actually not discounting the fact that although Ivanovic can play at center back, he is far better at right back as he can be found out at center back because he lacks height.

What Chelsea achieved last night was nothing short of gargantuan given all the defensive problems, sure they rode their luck at times with Messi missing the spot kick etc, but was it a spot kick in the first place ?, one of the replays i saw suggested that Fabrigas took a dive and a commentator even went as far as saying so, then lets take an incident at the other end when a Barcelona player blatantly handled in the penalty area, funny how the assistant Ref or whatever they call those guys who stand behind the line either side of the goal, missed it, yet at the other end saw Terry knee Sanches in the back and informed the Referee.

No i feel to criticise Chelsea's tactics in Winning the tie is doing the club a disservice and in particular Roberto Di Matteo who has turned the club around since his appointment as interim Manager .

Lastly however i do agree that the Final will be a different affair, i can see us up against Jose's Madrid, and personally i feel Jose's team is better equipped to deal with a defensive line up as they have height not only in defense but more importantly in attack with pace down either flank, and that is where Chelsea will be undone in the final, be it against Madrid or Bayern !!.

Fair Doos Bali, I didnt get chance to see the game as I was out assessing but by all accounts it was a hell of a game

Did the Ref help you?

ive just watched a video of him putting the knee in, what the hell was he thinking of?

Kingo

No the Ref didn't Kingo, i think he was under instructions to clamp down on and punish any play acting in particular from Chelsea after Drogba's antics in the first game and probably was a little over zealous in booking a couple of our players which has resulted in them missing the final, the Ref was particularly harsh i feel in booking Petr Cech for time wasting in the second half, but was particularly lenient in not booking Fabrigas for a spot of petulance when he tried to drag Lampard to the floor by grabbing hold of lamps legs whilst grounded himself, then Messi came flying in and pushed Frank hard in the chest with both hands in the same incident but both escaped a booking, strange bearing in mind he was so strict with Chelsea.

[Raistlin]

Chelsea beat Barca Liverpool beat Chelsea Wigan beat Liverpool Swindon beat Wigan Aldershot beat Swindon

So therefore Aldershot are the best team in Europe

[balli hi]

Chelsea beat Barca Liverpool beat Chelsea Wigan beat Liverpool Swindon beat Wigan Aldershot beat Swindon

So therefore Aldershot are the best team in Europe

And just in case anyone's interested, Raists next appearance will be in the remake of one flew over the cuckoo's nest

[Raistlin]

Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match

Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee Howard Webb from Man Utd's starting 12 for the crucial Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand a start to Andre Marriner.

Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner.

Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season, is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb's ability to pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches.

"Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past, but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too much for him on this occasion," revealed Ferguson.

"I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep into stoppage time."

Manchester Derby

The news of Marriner's inclusion has left United fans miffed given Ferguson's criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat to Liverpool in 2009.

"It doesn't make any sense not to include Webbo," said avid fan John Henderson, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and whose only connection with Manchester is that he once voted for Bez when he was on Celebrity Big Brother.

"In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch, and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the game with a two-nil lead."

"I hope that Ferguson has seen something in Marriner in training that suggests he can rise to the occasion."

"If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then I'll be singing Webbsyio's name."

"I'll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be left in no doubt about how angry I am."

[Raistlin]

Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration.

[balli hi]

Anyone know of a cheap way to get to Munich and back, cos the budget Airlines have jacked up their price from £57 return to around £467 looks like i'll be watching the game at home on the box i mean you would expect some sort of fare increase because of the increase in demand, but over £400 :ffs: , with prices like that Raistlios must be running Easy jet these days, that would explain a lot

[balli hi]

John Terry has just tweeted how sad he is to be missing the champions league final, but he will most likely watch the final at Christine Bleakley's house

[Raistlin]

Anyone know of a cheap way to get to Munich and back, cos the budget Airlines have jacked up their price from £57 return to around £467 looks like i'll be watching the game at home on the box i mean you would expect some sort of fare increase because of the increase in demand, but over £400 :ffs: , with prices like that Raistlios must be running Easy jet these days, that would explain a lot

Don't come back... ;)

[balli hi]

Anyone know of a cheap way to get to Munich and back, cos the budget Airlines have jacked up their price from £57 return to around £467 looks like i'll be watching the game at home on the box i mean you would expect some sort of fare increase because of the increase in demand, but over £400 :ffs: , with prices like that Raistlios must be running Easy jet these days, that would explain a lot

Don't come back... ;)

But you'll miss me :lol2: