Christmas Crackers

[Hoovie]

I have unashamedly stolen this thread idea from another Forum I frequent ..... please feel free to add your own ,,,,,

The local bookstore was having a sale. 1/3 off all titles. I got a mint 1st edition of the 'The Lion, The Witch an '

Two men walked into a bar. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it!

A man went into a pub, with a bit of tarmac under his arm. He says to barman ' A pint for me, and a half for the road'

[A brainey one] 'Times', 'Helvetica' and 'Aerial' went into a pub. Barman serves 'Times' and 'Helvetica' but says to 'Aerial' " We don't serve your type in here"

Man goes to the doctor. He's got baked beans down the front of his shirt, a sausage in his ear and custard in his hair.

Man: "Doctor doctor, I'm not feeling well."

Doctor: "Well, you're not eating properly."

Have you heard that Rolf Harris is unwell?

Doctors have done numerous tests but can't tell what is yet!

A chicken goes to the library and clucks to the librarian," book, book, book, book, book....".

The librarian, though confused, hands over five books.

The chicken then travels to the pond out back and throws them into the water.

A local frog throws them back. "Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit...."

Our local ice cream man has been found dead in his van. He had butterscotch syrup and hundreds and thousands covering his head and had a flake in each ear. The police think he topped himself.

A mushroom walks into a pub and tells the barman that he's going to pay for everyone's drinks all night. "That's very kind of you!" Says the Barman. And the mushroom replies, "Well, I'm a fungi!"

Bloke walks into a bar and a voice from the bowl of peanuts says "Hey man, you look fantastic tonight. Love your whole look, you handsome devil."

Bemused, he walks over to the cigarette machine and presses the button for 20 B&H. A voice from the machine says "No cigs for you you ugly creep. Get stuffed and get lost, you fat loser."

The bloke goes up to the bar again and says, "Those peanuts have just said I look great and that machine called me a fat loser."

"Ah, well," replies the barman, "that's because the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."

I've got a casual job helping a one armed typist use capital letters. I do a few shifts now and again

Which country was once run by napkins ?

The Serviette Union

Just had a nice piece of Cheddar from Israel

I love Cheeses of Nazareth

[crofter]

Man, that really does take GUTS

[firemac]

I have unashamedly stolen this thread idea from another Forum I frequent ..... please feel free to add your own ,,,,,

The local bookstore was having a sale. 1/3 off all titles. I got a mint 1st edition of the 'The Lion, The Witch an '

Two men walked into a bar. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it!

A man went into a pub, with a bit of tarmac under his arm. He says to barman ' A pint for me, and a half for the road'

[A brainey one] 'Times', 'Helvetica' and 'Aerial' went into a pub. Barman serves 'Times' and 'Helvetica' but says to 'Aerial' " We don't serve your type in here"

Man goes to the doctor. He's got baked beans down the front of his shirt, a sausage in his ear and custard in his hair.

Man: "Doctor doctor, I'm not feeling well."

Doctor: "Well, you're not eating properly."

Have you heard that Rolf Harris is unwell?

Doctors have done numerous tests but can't tell what is yet!

A chicken goes to the library and clucks to the librarian," book, book, book, book, book....".

The librarian, though confused, hands over five books.

The chicken then travels to the pond out back and throws them into the water.

A local frog throws them back. "Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit...."

Our local ice cream man has been found dead in his van. He had butterscotch syrup and hundreds and thousands covering his head and had a flake in each ear. The police think he topped himself.

A mushroom walks into a pub and tells the barman that he's going to pay for everyone's drinks all night. "That's very kind of you!" Says the Barman. And the mushroom replies, "Well, I'm a fungi!"

Bloke walks into a bar and a voice from the bowl of peanuts says "Hey man, you look fantastic tonight. Love your whole look, you handsome devil."

Bemused, he walks over to the cigarette machine and presses the button for 20 B&H. A voice from the machine says "No cigs for you you ugly creep. Get stuffed and get lost, you fat loser."

The bloke goes up to the bar again and says, "Those peanuts have just said I look great and that machine called me a fat loser."

"Ah, well," replies the barman, "that's because the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."

I've got a casual job helping a one armed typist use capital letters. I do a few shifts now and again

Which country was once run by napkins ?

The Serviette Union

Just had a nice piece of Cheddar from Israel

I love Cheeses of Nazareth

You should be ashamed. Put them back!!

[jedi134]

I did like the Rolf Harris one

[Hoovie]

Well, I liked ALL of them

[Big Kev]

Well, I liked ALL of them

It'll be the formaldehide gas coming from the Rav's nearly new seats...it has a bewildering effect for some people, usually the aged.....drive with windaes open for a few weeks, Hoovie...

Big Kev

[dave.m]

Well as we're nicking funnies from another forum, I always liked this one

My link

[junebug1701]

Just had a nice piece of Cheddar from Israel

I love Cheeses of Nazareth

This reminded me of a movie called "My Best Friend's Girl" where Tank takes a very religious girl, Hilary, to a Jesus-themed pizza joint:

Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?

Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it.

Hilary: I am deeply offended.

Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.

[Big Kev]

Just had a nice piece of Cheddar from Israel

I love Cheeses of Nazareth

This reminded me of a movie called "My Best Friend's Girl" where Tank takes a very religious girl, Hilary, to a Jesus-themed pizza joint:

Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?

Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it.

Hilary: I am deeply offended.

Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.

[Hoovie]

This year, planning on having a Four Bird roast.

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Throwing 'Little Mix' on the fire :D

(PS, Blame Radio Newcastle for that one, not me :P)

[shcm]

Just heard some travel news - A tanker load of Vicks Sinex has overturned on the M6..............

............Highways agency advising that there may be some congestion but at least not for 8 hours.

(blame the local rag for that one!)

[Big Kev]

Going out to get Wife a Jaguar today for her Christmas....just hope it doesn't rustle the wrapping paper too much before it attacks her on Christmas Day.....

Got her something electric yesterday....a chair.

[Davrav]

Watch out for the new Christmas guidelines on political correctness when you sing those carols folks - you never know who might be listening

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety

Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without

appropriate seating arrangements being provided.

Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available.

Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should

watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd

observation huts.

The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory

all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of

filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load

a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines

are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour

plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are

required to wear facemasks.

The 'Little Donkey' has expressed his discomfort as being labelled

'Little' and would prefer to being simply referred to as 'Mr Donkey'.

Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of

his equine rights.

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as 'Cash4Gold'

etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the

risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.

An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.

It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star

navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav.

Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.

As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and

food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the

likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.

THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of

allergy and for ethical reasons.

Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece

material should be considered alternatives.

Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal

Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted

to rock Baby Jesus.

Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to

provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go - laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered

safe for members of the public to ride.

The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one

horse in appropriate - particularly if passengers are of larger

proportions.

Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any 'Open

Fields'.

To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is

required that only 'moderate' laughter is used and not at a noise level

likely to be of nuisance to others.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is

inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R.

Reindeer.

Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this,

the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be

considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against

anyone found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions

such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger - no crib for a bed...

Immediate referral to Social Services.

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[anchorman]

That one drops right into my grumpy old man category Dave and will be discussed at the next meeting. I might even take 2 tins of beer for that one.

[Big Kev]

Quality, David....lends a bit of reality to those famous words...."ah'll see you in hell...."

Good Shepherd Kev....NEVER TOUCHED THAT SHEEP....CHARLIE SHOT IT.....LOCAL HERO DROVE IT TO CASUALTY....DAVE M WELDED ITS LEG BACK ON....ANCHORMAN FIXED ITS SLIPPED DISC....DAVRAV TAUGHT IT TAE DRAW.....HOOVIE FITTED IT WITH LED BRAKE LIGHTS......BOTHY GOT IT DRUNK AND ATE IT.......CLARE MADE A NEW DUFFLECOAT OUT ITS WOOL.

EARLY OPENING PUBS AT CHRISTMAS ARE THE GEMME...!!!!

[Hoovie]

Excellent stuff, Dave

[anchorman]

Physio.

Thats a good one your honour......er I mean Kev.

Just been to aldi and bought 3 small packs of Paracetamol. Made me put one back to comply with the law FFS.

[local hero]

Physio.

Thats a good one your honour......er I mean Kev.

Just been to aldi and bought 3 small packs of Paracetamol. Made me put one back to comply with the law FFS.

You can't get any in the Canary Islands cos the PARROTS EAT EM ALL :shutit: Stew

[anchorman]

Good to have you back Stew. And thanks for the Friday text jokes!!!!