Christmas Gags

[firemac]

Afraid I can't help myself, what with all this Xmas spirit about.

[Paulus17]

That's never your house is it Jim,with the arrow

[firemac]

That's never your house is it Jim,with the arrow

No, if I'm honest, ours is more like the one next door!

[Parts-King]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The Salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? .............Deep pan, crisp and even?

Doh!

King Cracker

[Paulus17]

Thats the spirit Jim

We used to do ours up along with the nieghbours,until we fell out,and they used to look great together with loads of comments from people walking past,good ones i hasten to add.

[Parts-King]

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

[Paulus17]

Talking of Christmas spirit,this is from Charles Dickens Christmas Carol-

PAST

PRESENT

and TOMORROW.

[Parts-King]

A woman walks into a bar at Christmas and asks for a double entendre ......

So the barman gives her one. :D:

[Doosan]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ***** underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Parts-King]

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve.

A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.

He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.

'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared in the East.'

[Big Kev]

Why is there a Fairy on top of Christmas trees...?

[Big Kev]

Why is there a Fairy on top of Christmas trees...? Santa may not come this year.....no well.

[firemac]

Why is there a Fairy on top of Christmas trees...? Santa may not come this year.....no well.

Good job Santa's from Glasgae, otherwise he wouldn't know what you were on about.

[CharlieFarlie]

A Christmas Story.........

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...Not a lot of people know this.

[Big Kev]

Well that answers ma question above, Charlie.......

[Mike JD]

<p>

A Christmas Story.........

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Charlie, when you meet Santa this Christmas, can you pass him a tip from this yur Devon boy: Zyder be keeping cooler and tastier when'ee keeps it in a cloam jug norra glass'un. Fer thee as dussn't knaw, cloam be clay or pottery an' if the zyder do eat the glaze, give it to the pigs. They b'ain't as fussy as us.Happy Christmas everybody.