A Joke Thread

[Master_Simon]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly

wandered into a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no

answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and

yelled,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally she heard a voice from far, far away,

"Hello...........we're down here...........

[Funkadelic]

Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.

Two truly awful jokes today.

[Boro Sera]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

[tooyoung]

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

It's taken me two years (anniversary on Monday), but I think I've finally figured it out. For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1

You leave the toilet seat up..-5

You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5

But return with beer ..-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5

You pummel it with a six iron..+10

It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2

Named Tiffany..-4

Tiffany is a dancer..-6

Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1

Okay, it is a sports bar..-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5

And the pal is happily married ..-4

Or frighteningly single ..-7

And he drives a Mustang..-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2

You take her to a movie she likes..+4

You take her to a movie you hate..+6

You take her to a movie you like..-2

It's called DeathCop 3..-3

Which features cyborgs having s*x..-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30

You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800 :!Removed!:

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5

You hesitate in responding..-10

You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

BADABOOM!!!!

[Moffmo]

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her A***.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her A*** and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth !Removed!. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job !Removed! disgusting."

[Moffmo]

THE TEST:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

The first Apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

[Moffmo]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They ascend to heaven to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous" and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ***** off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:..........................

"Make 'em all ugly again".