Here's A Little Toc

[jerry phipps]

Check this out guys and girls

A businessman sends a fax to his wife:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you

with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My dear husband, I received your fax, and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."

jerry!! :P

[jaxx]

:lol: :lol:

[Firthy]

Like that one

[dave5282]

Very clever, I like that!

[Jamesb4uk]

J

[Chuck04]

quality

[jerry phipps]

Hi everyone

Well here's another one for you guys and girls :P

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past

thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the

most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical

thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one

minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and

I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about

what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what

happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us

both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I

could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run

faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Mary's!

Jerry!!

[DazH]

[Moffmo]

Haha, that is good!

[DazH]

Two young nuns get told off by their Mother Superior for their shoddy appearance. She tells them that his Holiness was going to visit the convent and as their punishment they would be painting and decorating the spare room in case he had to stay overnight.

Grudgingly they both begin to paint the ceiling and emulsion is flying everywhere.

Sister Mary has a thought, "Sister Bernadette, if we get any of this paint on our habits, the Mother Superior will surely punish us further!" "And I hate painting and she's bound to find some more for us to do"

"Hmmm, you're right and I think I have an idea, as no one will be bothering us in here, why don't we both strip down naked, that way any paint can be easily washed off and we won't get our habits dirty" "The Mother Superior will be so impressed with our cleanliness, she may even let us meet his Holiness"

They both agree its a wonderful idea and strip down to their birthday suits.

An hour passes when there is a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" shouts Sister Bernadette.

"I'm a blind man" comes the answer

The two nuns look at each other in panic, "Why worry" says Sister Mary, "After all, he is a blind man, it's not worth getting our habits covered in paint when he cannot even see us"

They both agree and call him in.

"Good afternoon ladies, phwoar, nice t :censor: ts by the way", "Now where do you want these blinds fitting"

[jerry phipps]

DazH

Thats a good one as well mate

jerry!!

[Antd4agze]

Hey jerry,man you made me laugh..thats class .

[Moffmo]

hehe

[Hou]

The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s*x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s*x. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

[knowlson]

[Firthy]

Heres a few short ones

Kids think fast

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! (H20)

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.

[jerry phipps]

Quality keep them coming in

jerry!!

[Ryan1985]

Haha they're all class!

Cheers

[Firthy]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

The first Apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

[jaxx]

another nun joke............

three blokes are sat in the boozer and one is really down in the dumps

first man ''whats up mate, youve got a face like a burst water main?''

second man ''lately mate im just getting nothing in the way with women! i try so hard but havnt had a jollie for months!''

first man ''well try this, go to the local convent, whip down ya pants, slap the old manhood out and lie down in the mushroom shed!''

second man ''your crazy!''

first man ''go now and come back later and youll owe me a pint!''

a tad confused he sups up and wanders out the pub down the local convent. while nobody is about he jumps in the mushroom shed and drops his pants lets a all hang loose and lies waiting

20mins later the door opens and in steps the most beautiful woman he has ever seen

singing a merry song she begins to pick the mushrooms, ''one little mushroom for my basket.....two little mushrooms for my basket...........three little mushrooms for my basket..........four........four.....four, four, four, four............''

an hour later he returns to the pub to his friend!

''damn mate that was awesome, heres that pint!''

third man ''so it all works then! simple as that!''

second man ''yeah sure you should go and try it''

third man ''you know what i will''

so off he goes to the convent and jumps in the shed

20mins later the most butch, and terrifying woman he has ever seen comes in, and in a gruff voice sings ''one little mushroom for my basket.....two little mushrooms for my basket...........three little mushrooms for my basket..........four........four.....four, four, four little mushrooms for my basket''

[Firthy]

Another

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and decides he'll have a little fun.

Aussie: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"

Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk"

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

The farmer is astonished.

Aussie: "Is this chap your owner?"

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The farmer's mouth falls open in utter disbelief.

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."

Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Now the farmer is absolutely dumbfounded.

Aussie: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep"

Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The Farmer staggers back in amazement.

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Farmer: "The sheep's a liar!!!"

[Hou]

Pig Farmer

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day !Removed! the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

[Firthy]

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby.....all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches." Just send the bottle back!"

[jerry phipps]

Nice won Firthy you crack me up :D

jerry!!

[Calisto]

Nice won Firthy you crack me up :D

jerry!!

Yeah I like that one.