Here's A Little Toc

[Firthy]

The bunny and the snake

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls.

I'd say you must be French"

so true!!!

[~Rach~]

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and hears chanting inside, "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen."

Curious to see what's going on he finds a small hole in the wall and looks in.

Someone inside pokes him in the eye and they all start yelling, "Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen."

[~Rach~]

Just a few from me!

MARRIAGE (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the

wedding

laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want

and at

what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a

great

dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing,

boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you

give

me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that

there'll

be s*x here at ten o'clock every night......whether you're here or

not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding

anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a

headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that

reads,

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast

table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed

either," and

storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends

and

rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the

irritated

husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this late.....doing what?" he asked.

"Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

each

other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him

at

5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break

the

silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me

tomorrow

morning at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and

that

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife

hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it

said

....It's 5:00am, wake up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several !Removed! movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

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Smart-***** Answer #1:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-***** Answer #2:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-***** Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket

Smart-***** Answer #4:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up >that reads "Low bridge ahead!" Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

And finally:

Smart-***** Answer #5:

THE TEACHER Smart-***** Answer OF THE YEAR!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-***** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't, sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark! in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff.........

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her................... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.................. so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me ! to pull

off my pants............... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to

pull off my shorts................ so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of

sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy........... "

And here I am.

See, Blonde Men do exist.

----------------------------------------------------

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of

their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man. That's

interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing

left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and

be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must

be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is

completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God

wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands

the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and

drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes

the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the

man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil !Removed!. Don't mess with us

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's

going to be," she said.

"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was

supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,

he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure

how to position it.

"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband No. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....... God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride.

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Who wants to be a millionaire?

Paddy's got £500,000.

Chris asks him the big question for 1 million.

"PADDY, FOR £1MILLION, WHO WAS THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBER... ?WAS IT...

A, RONNIE BARKER...

B, RONNIE O'SULLIVAN...

C, RONNIE CORBETT...OR...

WAS IT... D, RONNIE BIGGS"???

Paddy say's..."I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

"YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A FRIEND" say's Chris.

"NO I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

"GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, PADDY GOES AWAY WITH

£500,000."

Chris says. "BEFORE YOU GO, YOU'LL OBVIOUSLY WANT TO

KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER WAS"

Paddy said "NO, I KNOW IT ANYWAY"

"ARE YOU MAD" asks Chris, "ARE YOU MENTAL"?

Paddy says, "I MIGHT BE MENTAL....BUT I'M NOT A GRASS".

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The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs.Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and

continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,

(2) you didn't read your homework,

and

(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Firthy]

Very good rach

[Firthy]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've re-gained your senses".

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's posterior! That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! - I don't remember much after that."

[Firthy]

These crack me up!!!!

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man." Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f :censor: g business!!"

~~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6,"replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f :censor: g difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

~~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,

"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a !Removed!."

~~~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f :censor: g beautiful."

The next day, during more lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "contagious" in the same sentence.

Little Suzie responded, "A man had a disease and the Doctor said it was contagious."

"Very good" said the teacher. Then, trying to impress the teacher, little Billy shouted out, "I know Miss",

so reluctantly the teacher let little Billy say his sentence.

"My Dad said our next door neighbor has started a big job by painting all of his fence and it will take the contagious!!"

[jaxx]

nice one

[Firthy]

The Woman, The Frog, And Three Wishes

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better."

The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him."

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "Can you do mild heart attacks?"

~~~~~~~~~

A few Q & A

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love?

A. The swallow

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during s*x?

A. Phone her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's the difference between oral s*x and anal s*x?

A. Oral s*x makes your day, anal s*x makes your hole weak

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?

A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

A. Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

A. Made her chain too long.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men give a damn.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it!

Q. What is the difference between a Battery and a woman?

A. A Battery has a positive side.

Q. What are the three fastest means of communication?

A. 1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?

A. Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

A. They're both fun to ride until your friends see you on one.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?

A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your willy.

Q. What should you give a woman who has everything?

A. A man to show her how to work it.

Q. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?

A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end, you lose your house.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

A. She knows she's given her last !Removed!.

Q. What's the difference between a !Removed! and a !Removed!?

A. A !Removed! sleeps with everyone at the party and a !Removed! sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 10 years the job still sucks.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her !Removed! went.

Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

A. Put a nipple on it.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?

A. What's she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

Q. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

A. 'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q. Why is the space between a women's !Removed! and her hips called a waist?

A. Because you could easily fit another pair of !Removed! in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is !Removed! her.