Worst Jokes Ever

[Hou]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Damn"

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything"

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food"

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was assaulted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you"

Doc I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual"

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in nuts and hundreds and thousands.

Police say he topped himself.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf and he said "No the steaks are too high"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong current.

Well I bet you laughed a little - or at least smiled??!!!

[jaxx]

the bra one made me laugh!

[Hou]

was the fish one that got me, took a second to sink in!!!!

[Jamesb4uk]

J

[Firthy]

Like them!!

A man walks into a bar.....Ouch!!!

Sorry

[Debz]

hundred and thousnads used to love those things!! I used to get my mum to mak me hundreds and thousands sandwiches!!!! :P

[Calisto]

me laughed at all of them.

*goes to hide in a dark corner. :P

[jaxx]

two men are arrested

one for eating batterys, one for eating fireworks

they charged one and let the other off

[Firthy]

two men are arrested

one for eating batterys, one for eating fireworks

they charged one and let the other off

Not bad

A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks why the long face??

[jaxx]

what do you call a bloke with a spade on his head - Doug

what do you call a bloke with a car on his head - jack

what do you call a bloke with leaves on his head - Rustle

what do you call a woman with a frog on her head - Lilly

[~Rach~]

Cheesy

[Firthy]

Yeah jaxx now your just getting silly

[Hou]

what you call a man with eggs and bacon on his head - fry

whats the definition of cheeky - throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back

whats the definition of cheeky - peeing through a letter box and asking how far it went

[jaxx]

Yeah jaxx now your just getting silly

dont worry bout it ive already got me coat and gone........

[Firthy]

[silvasurfa]

some beauties in here, personal favourite = fish damn!

keep em comin

[Bibbs]

two fish in a tank .. one turns to the other and asks "how do we drive this thing?" ..

[Bibbs]

Where does Kylie get her Kebabs from ?

Jason's Donner Van ..

[silvasurfa]

Where does Kylie get her Kebabs from ?

Jason's Donner Van ..

ooooooh-

thats bad :(

lovin the fish tank though!!!

[Bibbs]

Hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic ?

Sat up all night wondering if there was or wasn't a dog ..

[Bibbs]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bast*rd! You waltz in here, flop your fat *rse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh f*ck - it's started!"

[Firthy]

That is quality!!!

[Bibbs]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodygaurd for his nympho daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.

The salary package is £200,000 a year.".

The scouser said "Nah, you're bull sh*tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!".

[Firthy]

If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle

[jaxx]

bloke walks into the ale house with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar

bartender: what will it be

man: ill have a pint please

ostrich: ill join you on that

cat: ill have half but im not paying

bartender: ok thats £6.54

the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY £6.54

10mins pass and the bartender returns to collect now empty glasses

bartender: another round??

man: yeah ill have another beer please

ostrich: think ill join you on that again

cat: ill have a lemonade but im not paying

bartender: ok thats £5.57

so the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY £5.57

the barman then becomes a little curious and pulls the chap to one side

bartender: you three seem a bit of an odd group

man: yeah i can understand but its quite simple really, i found an old lamp in the loft, so in aladin styleee i gave it a rub, all of a sudden out pops this genie and grants me 2 wishes!

bartender: so what did you exactly wish for

man: well first one was to always pull out exact sums of money from my pocket regardless of the amount

bartender: and??

man: well, a leggy bird and a tight !Removed!