Worst Jokes Ever

[breezer]

they all made me laugh

[EarL]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bast*rd! You waltz in here, flop your fat *rse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh f*ck - it's started!"

Classic mate!

....you don't know my missus do you?

[EarL]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bast*rd! You waltz in here, flop your fat *rse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh f*ck - it's started!"

Classic mate!

....you don't know my missus do you?

[Moffmo]

bloke walks into the ale house with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar

bartender: what will it be

man: ill have a pint please

ostrich: ill join you on that

cat: ill have half but im not paying

bartender: ok thats £6.54

the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY £6.54

10mins pass and the bartender returns to collect now empty glasses

bartender: another round??

man: yeah ill have another beer please

ostrich: think ill join you on that again

cat: ill have a lemonade but im not paying

bartender: ok thats £5.57

so the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY £5.57

the barman then becomes a little curious and pulls the chap to one side

bartender: you three seem a bit of an odd group

man: yeah i can understand but its quite simple really, i found an old lamp in the loft, so in aladin styleee i gave it a rub, all of a sudden out pops this genie and grants me 2 wishes!

bartender: so what did you exactly wish for

man: well first one was to always pull out exact sums of money from my pocket regardless of the amount

bartender: and??

man: well, a leggy bird and a tight !Removed!

That was a very very good one!

[yvvan]

One morning a man walked up to his wife while she was making breakfast, pinched her on the b*tt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her br**sts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "w***y". With a death grip, she said,

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Cheers, Yves

[jaxx]

One morning a man walked up to his wife while she was making breakfast, pinched her on the b*tt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her br**sts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "w***y". With a death grip, she said,

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Cheers, Yves

[Midnightsupra]

Whats red, white & fluffy, and sits in a tree?

a sanitary owl.........

[Tom.B]

Two old grannies were in a park. A bloke ran up and flashed them. One had a stroke......the other couldnt quite reach

[Calisto]

pmsl Tom that is a good one.

[Treuno]

A man walks into Asda and flops his circumcised c*ok on to the counter!

He then says to the woman behind the counter....

I'd like to see you roll back that fu*ker!

[Funkadelic]

A man walks into Asda and flops his circumcised c*ok on to the counter!

He then says to the woman behind the counter....

I'd like to see you roll back that fu*ker!

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

[Bibbs]

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."

[Paul C]

what do you call a women with a tile on her head = Ruth

a bloke in a swimming pool with no arms and legs = bob

a bloke without a spade in his head = dougless

what do you call a deer with no eyes = no eye deer

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs = still no eye deer

[knightrider]

wot do you call a blind dinosaur?

do you think he saur-us

[Moffmo]

what do you call a fish with one eye?

Fish!

[Kenno]

Two aerials meet on a rooftop, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was excellent!

[Firthy]

what do you call a fish with one eye?

Fish!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH

[jaxx]

what do you call a fish with one eye?

Fish!

funny for the wrong reasons

three blokes working on building a skyscraper

1st man - ''if ive egg sarnies tomorrow AGAIN im jumping off this 'scraper'!''

2nd man - ''yeah if ive got cheese sarnies AGAIN tomorrow im with you''

3rd man - ''and if ive got ham sarnies again then im gonna be splat on the floor with you guys!''

so the next day comes round they all check their lunch boxes and low and behold theyve got the same thing again! so one after one they plunge to their death....

at a group funeral the three wives are condoling amongst each other

1st mans wife - ''if only hed told me he was fed up of egg i would have happily made something else''

2nd mans wife - ''me too, he never said a word to me so i assumed he liked cheese and i too would have made other fillings if he asked''

3rd mans wife - ''i still dont understand why my husband jumped to his death, he made his lunch himself''

[EarL]

three blokes working on building a skyscraper

1st man - ''if ive egg sarnies tomorrow AGAIN im jumping off this 'scraper'!''

2nd man - ''yeah if ive got cheese sarnies AGAIN tomorrow im with you''

3rd man - ''and if ive got ham sarnies again then im gonna be splat on the floor with you guys!''

so the next day comes round they all check their lunch boxes and low and behold theyve got the same thing again! so one after one they plunge to their death....

at a group funeral the three wives are condoling amongst each other

1st mans wife - ''if only hed told me he was fed up of egg i would have happily made something else''

2nd mans wife - ''me too, he never said a word to me so i assumed he liked cheese and i too would have made other fillings if he asked''

3rd mans wife - ''i still dont understand why my husband jumped to his death, he made his lunch himself''

Class mate!

[sclark]

What's pink and fluffly?

pink fluff!

What's blue and fluffy

pink fluff holding it's breath