How To Be A Real Man.

[JappyBeast]

How to be a real man

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1, OPENING JARS - Hmmm, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,

open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't.

Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to

kids makes you Da Man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Rubbish! A Stuart

Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the

ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -

as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other

rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat

on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding

towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone

else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an

iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt"? "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying

they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your

hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look

like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you

to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it

says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can

safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a !Removed!? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch

that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean

you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest

of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings over here mate....

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "Are you a leg or breast man" to the

blokes and "Do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you

have now officially turned into your Dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing

rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY

item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £3200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the

plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get

straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is

then. Seven. Seeya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes

*YOU* the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in

the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand

there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer

gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's

right, I'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized poo.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A (insert word here) - And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in

hospital...!"

[Bibbs]

And here endeth the lesson .. Amen ..

[Jimlad]

ha ha ... nice

[JappyBeast]

Makes you proud!

[LORD_ED]

just finsihed work and havin a pint god ive earned it

[jaxx]

that is awesome and perfectly true

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -

as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other

rubbish - noisy destruction.

couple of weeks back took a load of junk upto the tip.

had to find a skip with an old glass door in it didnt i

kerrrsmmmmmmmmmash!

felt great!

[Firthy]

The tip one is so true, and bottle banks are even more fun :D

[Moffmo]

soo true! :D

[earpl]

rented van from GK ford, went to tip several times, dumped more asbestos than we should have, didnt get caught, made us feel big :)

[knightrider]

struggled putting old tv in back of car went into the tip broke a sideskirt on way in, strugled removing it when asked do u need a hand? reply with no i can manage then throw the offending object into big empty skip SMASH!!

now dont i fell like a man!

[kalmr2]

so true

but wonder? if tips are so good, what will heaven be like???

[JappyBeast]

Know what you mean about bottle banks... I dont place the bottles in there.. I propper wack them down.. but dont your hands get really sticky!

[EarL]

so true

but wonder? if tips are so good, what will heaven be like???

... made of glass and balsa wood.

[Firthy]

Know what you mean about bottle banks... I dont place the bottles in there.. I propper wack them down.. but dont your hands get really sticky!

Yeah but its worth it

... made of glass and balsa wood.     

With hammers and other destructive weapons :D