Joke For The Weekend

[Boro Sera]

Three women die in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there St. Peter greets them and tells them that there's only 1 rule that they must obey........Don't stand on the ducks. They look around and there are ducks EVERYWHERE.

They wander off to look around but after about an hour one of the women steps on a duck, St Peter appears with the ugliest man she's ever seen and chains him to her. "As punishment for stepping on a duck you will be chained to this ugly, ugly man for all eternity." he says to her.

The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck....same thing happens to her....St Peter appears but This time the man is even uglier than the one before, "As punishment for stepping on a duck you will be chained to this ugly, ugly man for all eternity." they are chained together for all eternity.

By now the third woman is a bit terrified....there are so many ducks it's almost impossible to avoid them, but she tries.

After 6 months she still hasn't stepped on a duck. St Peter appears with the most handsome man she's ever seen. Silently St Peter chains them both together and leaves. The woman is thrilled and says " I wonder what I've done to deserve this "

The man replies....." well, I don't know about you love, but I stood on a duck."

[Chappers]

Pmsl - gotta watch out for those ducks..

[DazH]

[Red Yaris 54]

Love a Duck.............thats excellent :D :D :D

[Blue84]

haha thats a good one :D

[Calisto]

lol Thats a quacker.

[GIDDLEPIN]

Nice one Rich

Here's another duck one.

The dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[Calisto]

Thats also a good one

[jaxx]

yet another duck joke

a duck goes into a butchers and asks ''got any bread?''

''no this is a butchers, we sell meat, not bread'' says the man behind the counter

the duck thinks a moment and then asks ''got any bread?''

''are you deaf?'' says the butcher ''i said we sell meat, ie pork and beef etc... not bread!''

''oh'' says the duck ''got any bread?''

''for f***s sake'' shouts the butcher! ''ask me that one more time and ill nail your stupid little beaky head to this chuffin counter!!!''

the duck steps back in fright.. then after a moment comes back upto the counter and asks..

'got any nails?''

''what! no i havnt got any nails!!' says the butcher

''ahh ok'' says the duck.... ''got any bread?''

[tooyoung]

PMSL at Jaxx' joke.

[Scottish_SR]

Nice jokes!

Whats with the duck theme?? lol

[Robie]

You guys are quakaz I swear

[cfc1]

i have a duckdoo:)

[jaxx]

i have a duckdoo:)

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thats a great one to get southerners with!

[blackcat]

breaking away from the duck theme but keeping on the heaven theme heres another one;

Dolly Parton and the Queen both die on the same day and upon reaching the "pearly gates" St Peter imforms them both"sadly heaven is pretty full up and we have space for one person only,if you can prove to me your worth I shall let in the best candidate"

At that moment Dolly Parton steps forward lifts up her blouse and says "look at these beauties,all natural, made by God himself,if you let me in God can behold his wonderful creation for all eternity!"

St Peter says"very good point Dolly, but Ive got to let your Royal Highness have her say too"

To this the Queen steps forward pulls out a bottle of Perrier water, pulls up her skirt and doushes herself all over her genitalia.St Peter then says"OK your Royal Highness you may go in"

Dolly is fuming at this and asks St Peter why he let the Queen in and not her????

To this St Peter replies "sorry, same rules apply in Heaven,a royal flush always beats a pair!!! :D

[GIDDLEPIN]

breaking away from the duck theme but keeping on the heaven theme heres another one;

Dolly Parton and the Queen both die on the same day and upon reaching the "pearly gates"  St Peter imforms them both"sadly heaven is pretty full up and we  have space for one person only,if you can prove to me your worth I shall let in the best candidate"

At that moment Dolly Parton steps forward lifts up her blouse and says "look at these beauties,all natural, made by God himself,if you let me in God can behold his wonderful creation for all eternity!"

St Peter says"very good point Dolly, but Ive got to let your Royal Highness have her say too"

To this the Queen steps forward pulls out a bottle of Perrier water, pulls up her skirt and doushes herself all over her genitalia.St Peter then says"OK your Royal Highness you may go in"

Dolly is fuming at this and asks St Peter why he let the Queen in and not her????

To this St Peter replies "sorry, same rules apply in Heaven,a royal flush always beats a pair!!!   :D

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Always better if you've got a good HAND! :P

[cfc1]

i have a duckdoo:)

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thats a great one to get southerners with!

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Aye.. bit neabdy's bitin :(