Friday Funnies....

[TheNissanMan]

Friday amusements from Peter Kay (posted on IMOC by Mark Mailer)...

Kept me giggling so thought I'd post it here...

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess

champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned

her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK

then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I

said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I

go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I

rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to

make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said

"Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's

trying to pull a fast one".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything:

trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly

contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's

pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up

to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like

diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for aROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I

entered a competition and I won 10 years supply of Marmite

........ one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and

talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a

Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's

a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a

nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take

that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for

example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school

bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in

a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of

terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out!

We don't want your type in here".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve

you, but don't start anything".

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman

says, "Is this some kind of joke?".

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we

don't serve food in here".

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm

and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.".

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He

sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one

of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of

them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The

other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years

later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband

responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've

seen Amal."

[gordypix]

:P :D

A man walks into a bar......

Ouch....

It was an Iron bar..............

[Fidgits]

more terrible jokes

[gordypix]

:P :P

If a fly is called a fly why is a fish not called a swim. :bookworm:

:P :D

A crocodile walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face"........

:P :D

[jerry phipps]

Blonde goes into piazza hut asks for a large piazza.

Guys say how would you like it cut up 6 slices or 12 slices?

Blonde replies 6 please as 12 pieces would be too much for me to eat :D

How do you know when a blonde has being using the computer?

By the tip-ex on the monitor screen

jerry!!

[Yarisboy]

Peter Kay is so funny, might be going to see him live soon which should be a good laugh

those jokes were so classically peter kay!

[+Steve]

I boughts some budgies once.. i bought them on higher perches

afterwards I went on stage at the local working mens club doing hypnotism to the local rugby team.. they were all hypnotised and looked great until i dropped my Mic and said "oh f*ck me"

the working mens club was real rough though! Glass smashed everywhere.. even my german sheperd had to wear sandles.

[longhallage]

A frog walks into a bank and says to the cashier, "what's your name?"

"Patricia Wack" replies the cashier

"Hello Patricia, I'd like a loan please" said the frog

"I'm afraid we can't give loans to frogs"

"Really, why not"

"Well, do you have any collateral to put up, like a house?" Asked Patricia

"No" replied the frog, "but my father is Mick Jaggar, here I have this statue to prove it"

"I don't think we can't accept Mick jaggar statues" replied Patricia, "but I'll as the manager"

Patricia wack goes to see the manager.

"A frog is in the bank and is asking for a loan"

"Does he have collateral?" asked the manager

"No, but he does have this statue of Mick Jaggar, his father. What is it worth?"

The manager replied

"It's a nick-nack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone"

[gordypix]

BOOM BOOM :P

[Yarisboy]

lol gordy, he was a dark horse wasn't he!... (reply with a 'who was??' and i'll tell u the answer)

[gordypix]

who was

[Ken]

Not black beauty was it :P

A german guy approaches a prostitue and says"i vish to buy s*x vit you"

"ok,it's £20," says the girl

"Goot,but i'm a little kinky."

"No problem,"she replies.So off they go to the girl's flat,where the german produces four large bed springs and a duck caller.

"tie ze springs to your hans und knees,"the german demands.The girl finds this odd,but does as he asks.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees,und you vill vistle as i make love to you."

The s*x is fantastic.She's bounced all over the room,honking on the duck caller.The climax is the most sensational she's ever experienced and it is several minutes before she recovers her breath to gasp:"that was totally amazing.What do you call that?"

"Ah" says the german

"Four-sprung duck tecchnique" :hokus-pokus:

[Yarisboy]

yeah it was black beauty :)

somehow that joke is infitnitely funnier after about 6 pints:beer::beer::beer::beer:

[Yarisboy]

lol sortedavensis that is quite good i'll give you that one

[Ken]

Know exactly where you are coming from mate and why is it when you crawl in at some silly time in the morning you wake up earlier than what you usually do?

Oh well here's another one.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one :hokus-pokus:

[gordypix]

Blooody dark horse eh Sam. That'll teach me not to read the sentance twice.