What To Do With Chain Mails....

[TheNissanMan]

Here's another funny grasbbed from Toni over on IMOC today, its the first Chain mail that i havent seen and it actually made me laugh :)

Hello, my name is Tracy and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion :censor: chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bull :censor: . Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human

being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shameless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't :censor: people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ***** of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only

salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

[knowlson]

Thats good mate wish I got that instead of the usual cack i get in my mailbox

[VTRick]

i had one similar to this a while ago, made me smile, i :censor: hate chain mail.

[supragal]

Thing is...some of it can be funny...people don't seem to be able to distiguish between "funny" "cr@p" and "everyones seen it 50 million times before" grrr

[TheNissanMan]

And the problem with working in IT is normally you've seen them 50 million times...

[knowlson]

And the problem with working in IT is normally you've seen them 50 million times...

hmmm yeah my fav is about 2 orphans in europe that have access to a small fortune all they need to have is someone in the uk to open a trust fund and you can share the millions.....

[supragal]

Actually, this IS my favorite of all time. Of course it's probably only funny if you do a similar job to me.... The worst thing is I honestly think I've experienced every single one of these... so lets hope you're all techys lol

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable

time

(In following examples, we will substitute the name "Ted" as the System

Administrator)

Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer.

Ted likes to guess what the error message was.

When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big

Connector."

If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted

likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working

properly.

When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no

problem for him to remember your password.

When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried

under a year- old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried

flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn't

have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

When Ted sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action

Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled

email software.

When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab

a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond

immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing

computers, especially yours.

When Ted's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find

him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all

is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it

as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so

it should be right up his alley.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted.

He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on

weekends.

When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next

morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem.

Ted just loves a good mystery.

When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on

your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO

anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.

When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to

sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession.

That should do the trick.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the

printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate

your fledgling expertise by updating the network

drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the

overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.

When Ted's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with

cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from

hunger.

When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your

computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift

the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were

designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading

it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust

crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.

When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as

fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would

you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that

boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of

professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God

forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page

Word document.

When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check

if the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.

When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed

24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are

now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother

to add more paper.

When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority

mail attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity

on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.

When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him

computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers,

even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.

If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the

weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for

you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access

database keel over and die.

When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the

office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to

playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he

doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.

Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

[knowlson]

Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer.

Ted likes to guess what the error message was.

When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big

Connector."

When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no

problem for him to remember your password.

When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab

a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond

immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing

computers, especially yours.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted.

He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on

weekends.

When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on

your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO

anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession.

That should do the trick.

When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your

computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that

boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of

professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.

Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

Ive had all of the above today

[TheNissanMan]

Unfortunately Supragal, that was only amusing for the first 50 million times I read it :P

[supragal]

Unfortunately Supragal, that was only amusing for the first 50 million times I read it  :P

How did I know that YOU of all people would pick up on that :P

I've read it more than 50 million times and I still find it highly amusing so nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[TheNissanMan]

guess we'll be spotting who works in IT over the next few days as people spot the thread then :)

Yours truely,

The Real BOFH

[supragal]

The Real BOFH

Hee hee hee. Me too :)

[TheNissanMan]

It always cheers you up deleting people email boxes as theres no room left and they couldn't be bothered toclear out the 10 million jpgs they have in there and tell them your not going to restore them as their mailbox hasn't been backed up in months....

[knowlson]

guess we'll be spotting who works in IT over the next few days as people spot the thread then :)

Yours truely,

The Real BOFH

Im not a BOFH only on a bad day

have a look at www.bofh.com

[TheNissanMan]

guess we'll be spotting who works in IT over the next few days as people spot the thread then :)

Yours truely,

The Real BOFH

Im not a BOFH only on a bad day

have a look at www.bofh.com

Coz we've never seen that URL before :D :D :D

Next we'll get told about Dilbert and The Register :D :D :D

[supragal]

Actually i gotta admit that I'm not... I'm way to nice for my own good :(

Woo hoo! Home time!!

[knowlson]

Next we'll get told about Dilbert and The Register :D :D :D

and computer weekley

[GIDDLEPIN]

Got a chain mail last week.

It's gone rusty!!!!

[Matthew_McNally]

don't you guys ever follow up on spam?

I've been purchasing from the various companies that spam me for about a month now.

as a result my ***** is now 43 meters long, and I don't know what to do.

[TheNissanMan]

don't you guys ever follow up on spam?

I've been purchasing from the various companies that spam me for about a month now.

as a result my ***** is now 43 meters long, and I don't know what to do.

nice one matey :)

I followed up on the Viagra but found the local pubs don't place urinals high enough on the walls anymore...

I'll have to buy my own pub when the countless millions come in from the exiled Nigerian Minister of States son so shouldn't be a problem then :D

[knowlson]

as a result my ***** is now 43 meters long, and I don't know what to do.

nice one