Haynes Manual

[Fidgits]

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now

you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to

dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your

forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with

hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to mess it

up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,

teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map

of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it

at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are

looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yes, just

as I thought; it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.

Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start

to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, we couldn't figure out how to put it back together either.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,

clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

[daktari]

So so true.

[Jamesb4uk]

I'd best get me hammer ready then

J

[Leeky]

Excellent, so true.

I've actually never owned a vehicle that Haynes do a manual for

[BLiTZ]

Sounds about right, "to remove bumper give a sharp tug towards you....... SNAP ......there goes the locatore tabs"

[Caz SR]

Excellent, so true.

I've actually never owned a vehicle that Haynes do a manual for

I only know, 'cos mine's in the glovebox. ;)

[Gnome]

OLD!!!! :P

Anyone else read the Haynes manual for the Lorry Driver? It's classic...

[Sooty]

:D LMAO

[Jinxed]

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to

dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to mess it

up?

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

im particularly proficient at all of these

thanks for the chuckle Fidgits

[Al J]

Nice.

and as everyone else has said, so true.

I always worry when I see an exploded diagram. :ffs:

[Karma Supra]

They hayne manual is totally rubbish......

for my car it covers it with the mkii supra, which is actually a totally different car.... it also get all the production dates wrong.......

That said I never bought it because I have never needed it :D