Reading This Could Be An Offence

June 6, 2006

Blatently and unashamedly nicked out of the paper...

CAREFUL now! Don't make any sudden movements or look suspicious. But... turn around slowly and try to spot if anyone is watching you.

If there's an imperious looking twit hiding behind a Daily Telegraph, then it's probably the man from the Commission for Racial Equality.

They've been tipped off that I might write something anti-English. And you could be committing an offence just by reading this page.

It's ridiculous. Anti-English? Moi?

Jimmy Hill will turn !Removed! and Bobby Moore's ghost will walk like a woman and wear a bra before I'd saying anything against our nearest and dearest neighbours.

Just kiddin' lads! Knees up Mother Brown an' all that.

But with the World Cup kick-off just three days away, we Jocks can't be too careful.

The merest sign of a smirk, the very glimmer of a grin when the mighty Soca Warriors of Trinidad and Tobago smack one past David 'Calamity' James and we could all end up in the pokey.

So, in the interests of racial harmony, I've drawn up my own pub guide on how to watch England get humped (surely 'play' - Ed) without getting into trouble.

WHAT TO WEAR

This is very important as you do not want to look overtly Scottish.

Kilts and Scotland tops are a no-no. Get the missus to sew a few ribbons on to your sleeves and some bells on to your trousers.

A knotted handkerchief on top of your head might also be advisable.

If you really want to mingle unnoticed in a busy Scots boozer, try wearing a Union jack top hat.

WHAT TO SAY

Again, being Scottish is taboo. Any "Hello rerr, Jimmy" stuff will only attract the attention of the Racial Equality mob - aka the St George-stapo.

Greet your friends with something like "My dear fellow, how lovely to see you". And during conversations, throw in the occasional "Ee bah gum" or "!Removed! Nora".

If you suddenly think the George-stapo are on to you, violently shake the trouser leg with the bells on and shout "Hey Nonnie Nonnie!".

WHAT TO DRINK

This could be crucial. Drinking whisky may be deemed to be anti-English. And quaffing anything containing Irn-Bru is probably a High Court job carrying a two-year minimum.

Gin and tonic is quite acceptable although beer drinkers may wish to be a bit more adventurous.

In this case, try "A pint o' wallop please, guv".

WHAT TO EAT

Pies, bridies and sausage rolls are out. Don't even think about a haggis.

Ask the staff for toad-in-the-hole or bubble and squeak. Bangers and mash may also be acceptable.

If mildly hungry, ask for pork scratchings, a pastie or a pork pie.

AT HALF-TIME

Don't go to the toilet as it might give the impression you are bored with England's performance. Stay in the pub and say something like "Keep the noise down lads, I can't hear what Wrighty's saying...".

WHAT TO DO IF ENGLAND SCORE

This is the penultimate test of not being anti-English. Fortunately though, previous tournaments have shown it is also a fairly rare occurrence.

In the first instance, let out a long "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s!".

This should be followed by fists pumping the air and generally exaggerated movement of the entire body.

During the subsequent 43 replays from 17 angles, you are permitted to shout something like "You beauty!" or "Go on, my son!".

At this point, the George-stapo will be at their most vigilant - so try to remember the scorer's name and say something relevant.

For example "Steven Gerrard? Diamond geezer he is. My bruwer had 'im in the back of his cab once. True gent he said he was...".

WHAT TO DO WHEN ENGLAND CONCEDE A GOAL

It's the big one. If you can pass this test without being seen to be anti-English, you're home and dry. Trying to look as sick as a parrot, when you're actually over the moon, is an acting role of Oscar-winning proportions.

Preparation will be everything here. My tip is have a few messages written on your hands that can be quickly read while you hold your head in despair.

These messages could include things like "Your dog has just died...", "The mother-in-law is moving in..." or - in my own case - "Killie have just won the cup...".

If you can access these messages quickly, and react to them, you should just about get away with it.

During the replays, say things like "Ee wor miles offside" or "Jammy booger" might help.

ON LEAVING THE PUB AFTER ENGLAND LOSE

Say something positive like "Never mind lads, we lost at Dunkirk but still won the war".

ON LEAVING THE PUB IF ENGLAND WIN

Say nothing, run home... and throw up.

June 6, 2006

Now i know why the Romans built Hadrians wall. :D

June 6, 2006

Now i know why the Romans built Hadrians wall. :D

Thats not why it was built, this is.....

It is a well known fact that the ancient Romans built two walls across the country here, called Hadrians Wall, and Antonines Wall. Historically, these walls were built to keep the marauding Picts out of "civilised" Roman "England", but perhaps there was another more sinister motive.
While out on a reconnaissance mission one day, a group of Roman soldiers stumbled on to a haggis during the mating season, and in the ensuing panic, they ran back to the camp and reported they were being pursued by the devil.
The camp commander, being an unimaginative type of Roman, not given to all this namby pamby philosophy that was all the rage at the time, slapped them in irons for a few weeks. Unfortunately, rumours began to circulate round the camp that the devil was alive and well, and living just up the road. Discipline wore a little thin, and the commander decided to do something about it.
It so happened that in the camp at the time was a Greek slave, who among his many other duties, was employed as a part time interrogator of prisoners because he seemed to be able to understand the locals a lot better than the Romans.
He was kitted out with all the latest designer gear - leather skirt, Roman Army Approved safety helmet, sandals, the lot, sent to the chariot pool, where he was issued with the new model Fiat single horse power chariot, and sent off to scorch the rumours.
Off he went, marvelling at the air conditioning in the new model chariot, the fixed axle suspension, and the acceleration of the single horse power plant. The handling too was superb - a lot better then the standard issue Skoda models he had previously driven.
Eventually, he arrived at the place the soldiers had described earlier, and crawling through the heather, came upon a wonderful scene - a haggis with four wee yins!
This man, being a slave, and far from his own family, was touched by the scene, and decided such a noble beast should be allowed to live in peace, so he slowly backed out of hiding and back to the chariot.
Imagine his dissapointment when he found the damn thing wouldn't start - no amount of kicking or poking would help, it the power plant had died, and he was now faced with a long walk back to the camp.
Off he set, but as luck would have it, he was caught by a group of Picts returning from a Picts versus Celts football match. Fortunately, the Picts had won on this occasion, and were in good spirits, so he was allowed to live, with only a few superficial bruises, and flesh wounds.
Suddenly a sound rent the air - the sound of a Haggis call - sensing a carry out around, the Picts disappeared in the direction of the noise, shouting, "Haggis", "Cairry oot", and "We are ra boyz", leaving the little Greek lying in the road.
Shortly after that, he was rescued by a fleeing Roman patrol who had just encountered a group of disgruntled Celts who had also been at the match, but as their team had not been so successful, had not been in quite such a forgiving mood.
The Greek, and the battered patrol arrived back at the camp, and were interrogated by the commander, but in view of his weakened condition, all the Greek could say was, "Hags". (His command of the local dialect was still poor).
Now, as everyone knows, at the time, hags in Roman terms referred to witches, and this, combined with the state of the returning patrol, convinced the commander the devil indeed was living in this strange land, so he command a wall be built to keep these evil creatures from invading civilisation. The Greek, in honour of his bravery, was awarded an honourary plebiscite, and given a new model twin horse Lancia chariot. The Romans never could pronounce his name of Onissopolis however, and took to calling him Hagis instead.

But.. how true is this going to be....