Some New Jokes..

August 24, 2003

Here are some new jokes for yall to chew on.. enjoy! ;)

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'This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602. 'If you look out of the windows on the side of the plane, you will observe that both engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the other side you can see that the wing has fallen off. If you look towards the ocean you will see three people waving from a bright yellow lifeboat. That's me, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!'

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A blonde goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says: Doc it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts! Doc what's wrong? The doctor answers: Your finger is broken!

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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

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A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

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A ship was carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong. It was hit by a typhoon and sank twenty-three times.

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Bill and Hillary Clinton were out for a walk, when Hillary exclaimed: Bill, I used to date that man! Realizing that she was pointing to a gas jockey, Bill exclaimed: Wow, just think, you could have been married to a gas jockey! Hillary's answer: Actually Bill, just think - that man could have been President of the United States!

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Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked: What wine goes best with an M-16? The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: That depends. What are you smoking?

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Do you know the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!

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Do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking? I don't mind. I want a boiled egg.

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Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

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It goes without saying that the Big Sittin' Goose Decoy Blind, a product that we are not making up, is designed for hunters. The hunter reclines in a sort of beach chair, then pulls the giant goose body down over his face, making himself virtually invisible, except for the fact that his arms and legs and gun are clearly sticking out. The idea is that when geese fly overhead, they look down and think: Hey! There's a person down there engaging in an act of perversion with a giant goose! Naturally the geese want to fly down and take a closer look. Anybody would. - Dave Barry

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Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!

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Ms Piggy's last words, 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham.

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Notes for a ballet, 'The Spell': Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes...