Friday Funny...

[1bloke1dog1mr2]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet' pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet' shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet' rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet' with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet' patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet' looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I've already told you, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet' turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150... ... just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet' shrugged. "I'm sorry. but if you'd taken my word for it in the first place, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab' Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00."

[Devil-ish]

............................oh dear....................................

[Fizz]

man thats so so bad... :help2:

[Kev Mc]

That's the best joke that's been posted on TOC for a long time, which says it all really

[Red Yaris 54]

Herewith another:

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, doctor, I am obsessed with the Wizard of Oz."

The doctor replies, "What makes you think that then?"

He replies..............................................................................................

"Because, because, because, because, becaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse................................"

{i'll get my coat :) }

[Boro Sera]

A man goes to the Doctor and says that he's feeling off colour.

After a thorough check up the doctor informs him that he has Tom Jones syndrome.

man - 'Tom Jones syndrome? I've never heard of it. Is it common? '

Doctor ' It's not ususual ! '

[Red Yaris 54]

Another:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many

winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup

answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place £100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts £100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips

through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds

himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[Kev Mc]

Another:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many

winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup

answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place £100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts £100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips

through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds

himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Can all jokes be kept to this standard now please?

[Boro Sera]

Can all jokes be kept to this standard now please?

Try this one then Kev.

A young couple get married. They didn't believe in s*x before marriage and consequently had never seen each other in a state of undress.

On the wedding night the man was taking his socks off when his new bride noticed his toes were all twisted and mangled.

'Ewww - what's up with your feet?' she asked.

He replied ' When I was a kid I was ill with Tolio'

'Don't you mean Polio?'

'No' he said. ' It's a variation of Polio that just affects the Toes ! '

He then took off his trousers and she noticed his knees were all wrong.

'What the heck's going on with your knees' ???

He replied ' When I was a child I got a bad case of the Kneesles. Like the measles but just affects the knees, deforming them and twisting the kneecaps all over the place '

He continued to undress and removed his underpants.

She piped up 'Don't tell me........................Smallcox ? '

[1bloke1dog1mr2]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fizz]

here is one for ya.. pinched from IMOC...

An Honest Undertaker:

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the undertaker a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the undertaker, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did a n excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the undertaker presents her with the blank cheque. “There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the undertaker says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."

[Kev Mc]

Not bad Rich, reminds me of another joke I know:

An Italian couple got married &, like the people on the other joke, didn't believe in s*x before marriage & the wife started to undress her new husband & took off his top to expose a big, hairy chest. This horrified the woman who immediately ran downstairs to her mum who was by the stove cooking & said "Mama, mama, he has a big, hairy chest", her mum calmly replied "Don't worry, all good men have hairy chests, it shows that he is loyal and will never lust after another woman, now go back upstairs & become a woman" before stirring the pasta.

Reassured, she goes back upstairs & carries on undressing her husband & takes off his trousers to show strong, muscular legs. Again, she is horrified & sprints downstairs to tell her mum "Mama, he has really muscular legs" & again her mum calmy reassures her "Don't worry, all good men have muscular legs, it shows he is powerful & will always protect you, now go back upstairs & become a woman" before continuing to stir the pasta.

Once again she goes upstairs to carry on undressing her husband & reaches down to remove his socks to reveal that a big proportion of 1 of his feet is missing. "Allow me to explain" he says "when I was younger I was in a motorcycle accident that resulted in half of my foot being badly injured, the doctors could not save it & had to amputate the damaged parts. It hasn't affected my life because I buy specially-designed shoes that solve my issues with balance & things". The young wife was having none of it & once again ran downstairs to tell her mum about it. "Mama, mama, he has a foot and a half", her mum calmly replied "Stand here & stir the pasta"

[Fizz]

Nick the Dragon Slayer

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large !Removed!.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew

that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch

them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,

Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more

than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to

arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little

bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,

the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal

Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen

that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this

type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work

as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for

the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four

hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and

magnificent !Removed!.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and

hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of

1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have

cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the

King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder

into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

[Red Yaris 54]

Some quick stand up one liners for you all..........................Long live Tommy Cooper........ RIP:

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

******************************

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was

a turtle disaster.

******************************

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I

said, "No, permanent."

******************************

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do

you want an aquarium?

" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

******************************

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a

Volkswagen with no driver.

******************************

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went

T'PAU ! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

hand."

******************************

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best

Before End'

******************************

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,

just a watch."

******************************

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke

said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

******************************

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

******************************

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,

"You've got cholera."

******************************

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,

it's P something T something R.

******************************

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I

couldn't put it down.

******************************

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

went on and on.

******************************

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I

said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

******************************

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,

"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for

the custard."

******************************

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

********************************

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."

******************************

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

******************************

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

******************************

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,

"Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

******************************

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been

promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd

been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing

director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me

what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

*******************************

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a

cat in there.

******************************

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two

counts.

******************************

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I

said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin .

******************************

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

************************************

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant

Man?" He said, "He's not your type.

" I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

*****************************

[Kev Mc]

Love those Steve, a Tommy Cooper one-liner I always remember is "I once had a dream I ate a 10lb marshmallo, when I woke up my pillow was gone"

[1bloke1dog1mr2]

Mike Reid is good for one liners. The line I always remember... "Went to the chippy the other day, ordered some fish & chips. The fella said the fish won't be long. I said it better be f**king fat then!"