Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

"Mate", the aussie said, "Over here we shear them".

The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"

[Raistlin]

A Geek walks into a bar and asks for a public void toString()...

The barman says "sorry, we don't do functions"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[Raistlin]

What do people from the north call a pretty woman ?

A tourist

[Raistlin]

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls"

"Are they that big?" asked the other.

"No they're this dirty."

[Raistlin]

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

"Out drinking again!?" she says.

"How much money did you spend this time?"

"$100," answers the man.

"$100!" she shouts.

"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"

"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."

[Raistlin]

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet ?"

The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

[Raistlin]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[Raistlin]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day ?

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too ?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement ?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so bad about being 80 ?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Raistlin]

Two prisoners were having a chat.

The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one ?"

"No thanks, mate," said the second guy. "I can't dance."

"It's not a dance, mate," said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"

[Raistlin]

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[Raistlin]

Patient:

Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

Doctor:

Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient

sticks out his tongue...

[Raistlin]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight.

After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Raistlin]

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room.

She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

[Raistlin]

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[junebug1701]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,

"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to

lose my f***ing @$$."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied,

"If I don't sell more @$$ this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car."

[junebug1701]

Love at first sight

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady,

"I know just what you're wanting, for $5 I'll have s*x with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old guy.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair.

[junebug1701]

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just "too icky".

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Gray hair is considered distinguished.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[Raistlin]

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

[Raistlin]

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, What do single guys have ?

Palm Sunday.

[Raistlin]

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:

"George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privvy?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

[Raistlin]

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS - For Victor

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune

and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you

like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity

stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old

bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply

moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing

your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the

object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

vibrator.

LIVERPOOL FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply

strapping a large fake tool to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking

around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the

price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in

your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross

out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning

you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of

washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will

wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten

minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the

benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips

from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a

window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them

before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway

and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

[Bizarra]

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS - For Victor

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune

and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you

like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity

stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old

bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply

moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing

your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the

object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

vibrator.

LIVERPOOL FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply

strapping a large fake tool to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking

around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the

price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in

your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross

out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning

you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of

washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will

wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten

minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the

benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips

from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a

window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them

before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway

and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

Thanks

[Raistlin]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express

Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a

terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain

was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they

imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every

move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a

delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together

the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold

it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed

uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out

of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should

recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if

anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Raistlin]

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15:

Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23:

When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4:

Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10:

While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6:

In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[Raistlin]

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now

we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to

protect her from the rat race ... you're a male

chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework

... you're a pansy..

If you work too hard ... there's

never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. I

f she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .....

you should get off your lazy behind and find

something better. If you get a promotion

ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets

a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual

harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ..... you're

an insensitive *******. If you make a decision

without consulting her ...... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's

a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something

she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female

form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in

shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ...

you're after something. If you don't ... you're not

thoughtful.. If you're proud of your achievements ...

you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not

ambitious. If she has a headache... she's tired.

If you have a headache ..... you don't love her

anymore. If you want it too often ... you're

oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone

else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to.