Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word*on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all* those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart* attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2.* Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very* little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies,* British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine* and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or* Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and* fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British* or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you* like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Raistlin]

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the

second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the

toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're

down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking

chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers

to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Raistlin]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first

time we made love over fifty years ago? We went behind the

village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love

to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can

do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,

having a chuckle to himself, he thinks “I've got to see these two old-

timers up against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

there's no trouble”. And he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for

support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the

tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and

the old man drops his trousers.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that

the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while

both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they

both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life

and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The

policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly

amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was

something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there

some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Raistlin]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.

All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year..'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for ?

[Raistlin]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the

blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the

menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous

customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty

dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to

the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind

man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep

breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and

mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks

towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's

wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind

man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner

mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?

I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a

dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to

the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man

says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and

chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,

the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him

and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes

in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's

him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary

rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind

man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have

the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and

says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[Raistlin]

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to

top up a camel with water.

"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."

As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed

them over the camel's balls.

The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.

"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.

"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

[Raistlin]

If the Credit Crunch continues at the present greed fuelled rate, by my

reckoning at the end of this year only 2 banks will survive.

These are:

· The Blood Bank!

· The Sperm Bank!

These 2 banks will probably have to merge...

What will this mean for the likes of you and me, well... the Country's

banks will be run by a bunch of bloody W*nkers.

Well no change there then.

[Raistlin]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-

natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[Raistlin]

What is the biggest problem for an atheist ?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

[Raistlin]

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if

there is anybody in room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes

back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

[Raistlin]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he

have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, please put down the gun...'"

[Raistlin]

What do spaghetti and blondes have in common ?

They both wiggle when you eat them!

[Raistlin]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[Raistlin]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labour"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child ?"

He says, "No, This is her husband"

[Raistlin]

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing

tour with a very rich African king who was a very important

client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary

is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,

...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to

dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you

under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat

diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No

problem!! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I

want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I

want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and

calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods

his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that

she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to

think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints

her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I

want the man I marry to have a 14-inch tool."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests

his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African

dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking

really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I

cut."

[Raistlin]

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centrefold is the exact same woman.

[Raistlin]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of

the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as

far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one

day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,

bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles

over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local

folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some

drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I

can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some

fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with

people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these

parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been

alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I

wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be

the two of us."

[Raistlin]

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy ?

Two Mennonite

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were walking down the street.

One noticed a compact on the street and leaned down to pick it up.

She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one.

So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.

"You Wally -- that's ME!

[Raistlin]

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches ?

Because they can.

[Raistlin]

Why do they say that eating yoghurt and oysters will improve your sex life ?

Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything

[Raistlin]

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building...

he suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:

"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blonde answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...

[Raistlin]

Why do blondes drive BMW's ?

Because they can spell it.

[Raistlin]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.

He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.