Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant ?

The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

[Raistlin]

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb ?

Only one...

but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap ?

The bucket.

[Raistlin]

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is

working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and

the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to

tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new

knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know

about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Raistlin]

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe

for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a

supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a

train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find

a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train

looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was

room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,

older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,

"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.

He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold

your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally

said,

"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with

not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your

dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you

are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,

threw it out the window, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat

spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the

lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot

of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your

fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out

of the window."

[Raistlin]

Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine just got divorced.

He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

[Raistlin]

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.

They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do"

The second one says, "This one does"

[Raistlin]

A guy was driving down the road in his Rav during a thunder storm, when his wind shield wiper broke.

He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.

He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, but could you give me a wind shield wiper for my Rav?"

The clerk leans against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that sounds like a fair trade."

[Raistlin]

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[Raistlin]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Raistlin]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom

& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry

detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,

asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very

powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In

fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent

to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to

talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some

candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was

sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use

that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent

that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

[Raistlin]

The complaint letter from Judi:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

[Raistlin]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the

countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,

caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and

crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and

rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians

he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the

man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police

officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you

know how politicians lie."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?

They're called "dykeees".

They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

[Raistlin]

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

[Raistlin]

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small

town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her

position to try to influence the new student. She asks the

class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington

was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father

of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good

answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think

Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he

freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's

another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think

Jesus ***** was the greatest man that ever lived." The

teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,

"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to

the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he

is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus *****'?"

The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's

Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about a blow job ?

The 15 minutes of silence!

[Raistlin]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian..

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited

the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being prawn; I

wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad

plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps

the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself

turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the

reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the

enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end

the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come

out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be

tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[Raistlin]

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian

outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer

swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,

"May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a

F***ing man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you F***ing Pom!

Gin and F***ing tonic -- are you some kind of a poofter or

something?"

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a

taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"

"I mount d..d..dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's

one of us!"

[Raistlin]

Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.

While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open.

Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."

He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open.

So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office.

"By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"

"Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

[Raistlin]

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"

says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.

"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man.

"Twice a day."

[Raistlin]

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!"

[Raistlin]

A strained voice called out through the darkened theatre, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"