Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge ?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Raistlin]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose ?

Full.

[Raistlin]

Man walks into a bar

Says "Ouch"

It was an iron bar

[Raistlin]

A horse goes into a bar

The barman says "Why the long face"

[Raistlin]

What's blue and doesn't fit any more ?

A dead epileptic.

[Raistlin]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in

each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He

has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about

the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the

ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to

go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.

"How's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If

I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be

Louie"

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't bother to ask about my

f*cking day!"

[Raistlin]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice.

He secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[Raistlin]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:

a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[Raistlin]

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving.

They let him go, though.

He was already an hour late for an operation.

[Raistlin]

What did the Scotsman get on his I.Q. test ?

Drool.

[Raistlin]

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a crap.

"Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet.

After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell.

The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls.

He races back into the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

[Raistlin]

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden !"

[Raistlin]

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual two pints.

So he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

[Raistlin]

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

[Raistlin]

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts ?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

[Raistlin]

Definition of a real mate ?

Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one ….

when he returns.

[Raistlin]

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,

"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"

The second girl asked, "What's a patio?"

[Raistlin]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[Raistlin]

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

[Raistlin]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter,

"Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"

The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."

Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you £400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.