Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He

stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely

drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so

he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way

up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear

end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty

pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken

glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he

didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,

he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure

enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired

the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to

bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,

and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good

story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you

go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered

last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this

morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Raistlin]

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so

long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married

and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,

he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the

plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and

exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead

Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me

face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and

he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and

step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!

It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so

great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn

around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things

and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!

It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this

day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free

cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,

complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank

you very much!"

[Raistlin]

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

[Raistlin]

Why don't witches wear panties ?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

[Raistlin]

What do men and pantyhose have in common ?

They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch

[Raistlin]

If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

[Raistlin]

The son of God goes into a hotel lobby and throws 3 nails on the desk.

The manager says "What are these for? "

to which he replied "Can you put me up for the night"

(Well it is nearly Easter)

[Raistlin]

The benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.

You are always meeting new friends.

[Raistlin]

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway.

He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.

This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers"

[Raistlin]

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer

takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head

stuck.

The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the

other: "This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and

starts screwing this heifer for at least ten minutes.

When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants

some of it.

His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs

down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

[Raistlin]

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,

were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves

standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St

Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that

Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to

limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of

you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot

answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,

then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most

comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap

of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the

philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated

formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,

another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The

mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was

correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his

finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a

chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes

on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat

on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he

asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from

the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my butt."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

[Raistlin]

The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,

you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court

Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman

on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"

..."Her brother's a doctor!"

[Raistlin]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her

husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her

next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're

finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean

her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[Raistlin]

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits' feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny? Hare mail

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? Hoppy Easter

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the grey hares.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing at you.

[Bizarra]

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits' feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny? Hare mail

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? Hoppy Easter

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the grey hares.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing at you.

Grooooooan !

[Raistlin]

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits' feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny? Hare mail

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? Hoppy Easter

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the grey hares.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing at you.

Grooooooan !

I was going to start an Easter topic but due to the quality of jokes (Not good) I thought it best not to. :D

[Raistlin]

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office.

"Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.

"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.

Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex for hours"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress"

[Raistlin]

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.

'What are you doing' he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

[Raistlin]

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the

weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few

paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.

Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside the

circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,

except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest

and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money

into the air and what god wants, god takes."

[Raistlin]

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian."

She wailed.

"How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked.

"I had to help him," the girl replied.

[Raistlin]

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery ?

A Slipodictomy.

[Raistlin]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

[Raistlin]

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.

She has a parrot on her shoulder.

Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."

Guy says: "An alligator?"

Woman says: "Close enough"

[Raistlin]

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed.

The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete, I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ?"

[Raistlin]

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?