Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry ?

Make her stand in a barrel.

If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.

If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

[Raistlin]

Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night ?

Yeah, I finally let her out!

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary ?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.

A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

[Raistlin]

Some cows view each day as the last round up, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.

Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

[Raistlin]

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[Raistlin]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me..'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said,'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said,'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God had explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then God said, 'I want you to procreate.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,

and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

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'What's a headache ?'

[Raistlin]

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,

I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most

beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with

you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful

wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I

used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your

half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating

girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,

"Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke

the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry

about this."

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",

he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my

half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he

says, dear. He's not really your father."

[Raistlin]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

[Raistlin]

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Raistlin]

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

[Raistlin]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach.

"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're one lippy b@stard!"

[Raistlin]

Why did God create man first ?

So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

[Raistlin]

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

[Raistlin]

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

[Raistlin]

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females.

The pill will be called Niagra.

[Raistlin]

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

[Raistlin]

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and Alzheimer's.

The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer"

[Raistlin]

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his

poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his

migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm

going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,

but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have

a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a

while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can

stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I

get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is

killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the

headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and

see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took

your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for

17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

[Raistlin]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[Raistlin]

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle.

While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post.

Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.

He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking..."

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

[Raistlin]

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.

I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

[Raistlin]

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.

I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face scratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

[Raistlin]

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked

"The b@stard called me a slut!" Mary said.

"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.

"I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

[Raistlin]

Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

A Parable for Graduate Students

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside

his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the

rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit

returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox

bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the

room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

Moral:

It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.

It doesn't matter what you use for data.

What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.