Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Gee, what are you taking for it?"

"Snuff or Pepper."

[Raistlin]

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

[Raistlin]

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained.

"It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

[Raistlin]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your tool is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Raistlin]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

[Raistlin]

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied "Fluctuations!"

He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!!

[Raistlin]

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!

[Raistlin]

A guy is in line at the local Tesco's when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him...

and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from...

so he says ..."Sorry....do you know me?"

She replies... "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the father... of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap".... he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"

"No".... she replies..... "I'm your son's teacher."

[Raistlin]

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish ?

Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

[Raistlin]

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

[Raistlin]

What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

[Raistlin]

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins.

She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache"

He says, "Aha"

[Raistlin]

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

[Raistlin]

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

[Raistlin]

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street.

He saw an ancient oil lamp in a rubbish bin, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.

Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish."

The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of as.s for the rest of my life!"

So the genie turned him into a toilet.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member ?

Someone who comes to your door and tells you to f*ck off.

[Raistlin]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

[Raistlin]

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian.

The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

[Raistlin]

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

[Raistlin]

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

[Raistlin]

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

[Raistlin]

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her

expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ***** is getting big.almost as

big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he

followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife

retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape

measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas

grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on

his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"

Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little

weiner!"

[Raistlin]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ars* was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."