Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20 story building.

The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."

The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."

The third worker is Irish.

When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat Irish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."

The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death.

Then the Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos.

He walks to the edge and jumps to his death.

Finally the Irish worker looks in his lunch box, sees an Irish sausage sandwich.

He walks to the edge and jumps to his death.

At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed him a different lunch!"

The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my husband a different lunch!"

The Irish workers wife isn't crying at all so the other two wives confront her.

"Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"

[Raistlin]

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?

It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

[Raistlin]

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were

beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of

passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to

whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you

are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always

ask the same old ridiculous questions."

[Raistlin]

A man was complaining to a friend.

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

[Bizarra]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story

[Bizarra]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

[Raistlin]

The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to screw in the mud...

[Bizarra]

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Bizarra]

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SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Bizarra]

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ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[Bizarra]

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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.

One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

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[Bizarra]

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________

[Bizarra]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[Bizarra]

> Subject: Alzheimer's or HIV!> > *The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'**> **'Mrs.> Sanders, please.'> 'Speaking.'> 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When> your> husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from> another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one> belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too> good.'> > 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.> > 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's andthe> other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is

which.'> > 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.> Sanders.> > 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive > tests> once and once only.'> > 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'> > 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off> somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't> sleep> with him.

[Bizarra]

The above are not up to the very high standards set by Raistlin , But good for a giggle

[Raistlin]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years

before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked

about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked

several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is

marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve

this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?

When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

[Raistlin]

How to hunt elephants -- Lawyer's style

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

[Raistlin]

Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

[Raistlin]

What do jelly and a woman have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

[Raistlin]

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle ?

A dead poodle with an 18 inch hole in its butt

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter.

The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a c*ck shop."

"Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

[Raistlin]

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She

cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.

She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would

change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer

who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped

her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her

first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,

"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could

I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact

number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the

real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?