Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release.

He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute.

He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

[Raistlin]

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual

disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder

clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and

the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there

in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he

doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass

into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.

As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around

his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a

better health plan."

[Raistlin]

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

[Raistlin]

Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife.

When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

patient sticks out his tongue...

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

[Raistlin]

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.

For twenty years he never sees another human being.

Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.

She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"

He says, "Love? What's that?"

She says, "I'll show you."

She shows him.

Then she shows him again.

Then she shows him one more time.

When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"

He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

[balli hi]

After 20 years of s*x in the dark , a wife finds out her husband always used a !Removed! on her.

She says to her husband " explain the !Removed! FOOL "

He replys " explain the kids !Removed! "

[balli hi]

A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large !Removed! flies out and hits their windscreen , to hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children " that was a big insect " to which the 7 year old son says " i'm surprised the !Removed! thing could fly with a CxxK that size "

[Raistlin]

Barack Obama is visiting an Edinburgh Hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, and he greets one - the patient replies

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o'the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

He is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient, and greets him - the patient responds

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, and greets him - the patient begins to chant

"Wee sleekit, cowerin', timorous beasty,

O the panic in they breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiaric ward?" -

"No", replies the doctor (wait for it)

"This is the serious Burns unit "

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU, The dog is dead !"

[Raistlin]

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[Raistlin]

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

[Raistlin]

Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for them mary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume she went into the family room to show her family they were impressed.

Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot on your shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty,but where are your buccaneers?

Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat!

[Raistlin]

How are lawyers like sperm ?

One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

[Raistlin]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out"

[Raistlin]

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"

What do you mean? says his mother.

Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling "God, I'm coming! I'm coming"

[Raistlin]

A 69 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent."

The Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior

citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions

slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some

decrease in sexual desire.

How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and

things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.

Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant ?

When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

[balli hi]

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter.

The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a c*ck shop."

"Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

The old ones are the best

A man walks into a foot clinic and places his member on the counter , the nurse says " thats not a foot "

The man replies " i know , but its a good six inches " :D

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts ?

He got 16 months.

[Raistlin]

What do you do with 365 used rubbers ?

Make a tyre and call it a good year.

[Raistlin]

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-mouthed student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[Raistlin]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Raistlin]

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,

so he went to the

doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have

sex, to stick his

finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the

smell would cause his

hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he

decided to make his

move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger

in her pussy, and then

rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his *****, and it began

to stiffen. Amazed, he

decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them

in her pussy, then

rubbed them both under his nose, and his ***** quickly jumped to 3/4

erect. He decided to

try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all

around under his nose.

Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,

"Honey, quick

turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and

with his ***** standing

tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and

said, "Looks like the

worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"