Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the Speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"

Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"

About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"

Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?"

One hand stays up.

The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

[Raistlin]

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

[Raistlin]

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.

At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Which woke Ed.

"What's going on?" said Ed.

"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.

"How come?" said Ed.

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.

"Because that's me you're holding," said Ed.

[Raistlin]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing.

Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, "cor! I've just had my first oral experience and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman."

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

"Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.

In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

"Do you want another?" asks the barman.

"No I don't think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!"

[Raistlin]

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.

While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.

One bloke looks at the other, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."

The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows bugger all about shark fishing."

[Raistlin]

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand.

The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it.

So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it!

Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them!

So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

[Raistlin]

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

[Raistlin]

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his trousers and asked his bride to put them on.

The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your trousers." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right, And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.

[Raistlin]

What's green and has wheels?

A Frog

I lied about the wheels

[Raistlin]

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

[Raistlin]

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

[Raistlin]

How do teenage boy shepherds in training find their sheep in tall grass?

Most satisfactory !

[Raistlin]

Two girls are sitting in a cinema trying to watch a film.

"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.

"Just ignore it", is the answer.

"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

[Raistlin]

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.

After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.

The instructor says, "Wow that's great.

Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

[Raistlin]

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbour.

Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, monsieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

[Raistlin]

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash.

Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole.

Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

[Raistlin]

The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, and, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes," replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Raistlin]

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.

The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center.

Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, " Hans Olaffsen."

She look at me say, "What your name?" I say, "Saem Ting."

[Raistlin]

It seems that Mary Poppins has changed jobs and moved to America.

She has started a business telling people's fortunes.

She doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she just smells one's breath.

That, right, the sign outside reads:

Super Californian Mystic Expert Halitosis

[Calisto]

The last one did not make me giggle .......so now I am in for a poo day.... and its all your fault coz of that bad joke

-_-

[Raistlin]

The last one did not make me giggle .......so now I am in for a poo day.... and its all your fault coz of that bad joke

-_-

Just for you

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a

number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they

are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to

undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and

says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She

begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and

says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's

1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this

point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she

grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are

you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short

fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

[Raistlin]

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... my room key."

[Raistlin]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."