Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?

Mace...

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe ?

A canoe tips.....

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia ?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Raistlin]

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored ?

They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[Raistlin]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Raistlin]

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.

He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's *****. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.

"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?

Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots.

I need more rope!"

[Bizarra]

Bump

[Raistlin]

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "

[Raistlin]

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?

SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

[Raistlin]

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Bizarra]

Hope you don't mind, Raist

Now this is a good one:> > SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED> >> > Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, " LastFriday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much mystory! When my fiance got

home last Friday , he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had s€x all night, he wants to move up our weddingdate!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,> 'Hey, Batman,what's for dinner?

[balli hi]

Hope you don't mind, Raist

Now this is a good one:> > SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED> >> > Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, " LastFriday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much mystory! When my fiance got

home last Friday , he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had s€x all night, he wants to move up our weddingdate!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,> 'Hey, Batman,what's for dinner?

Very good .

[Raistlin]

I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!"

[Raistlin]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

[Raistlin]

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

[Raistlin]

What's the ultimate rejection ?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it.

The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard".

[balli hi]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?

A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Man U fan is a real *****

[Raistlin]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?

A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Man U fan is a real *****

Not a big Man Utd fan then

[balli hi]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?

A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Man U fan is a real *****

Not a big Man Utd fan then

sorry to hijack your jokes page Raist , one begs your forgiveness and promises to behave in future , i've got it out me system now

One last thought ...... If Pigs were to lose their voice , would they become disgruntled ?

[Raistlin]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?

A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Man U fan is a real *****

Not a big Man Utd fan then

sorry to hijack your jokes page Raist , one begs your forgiveness and promises to behave in future , i've got it out me system now

One last thought ...... If Pigs were to lose their voice , would they become disgruntled ?

LOL, It's not my joke page I just started it... It's our (meaning TOC members) page. The more the merrier life is too hard not to have a laugh :P

[Raistlin]

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?" and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

Well, the light bulb is brighter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"