Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What is a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard.

[Raistlin]

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.

After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied.

"It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

[Raistlin]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.

As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'Bad Dog'"

[Raistlin]

"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny.

"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.

"You poor dear," said the teacher.

"Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"

"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have any breakfast."

[Raistlin]

How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

[Raistlin]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of

babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we

can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

fainted!!"

[Raistlin]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home

and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer

to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the

truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday

we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the

road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,

"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we

take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only

8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane

was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with

only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he

drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of

100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of

bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on

his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any

moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuss with uncle Ted when he's

been drinking."

[Raistlin]

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier".

At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown,

but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

[Raistlin]

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late.

The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella.

The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

[Raistlin]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he

came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date

stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might

have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went

downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind

the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a

minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark

corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would

have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be

ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[Raistlin]

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.

That's why after a six pack you can't drive.

[Raistlin]

There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest.

After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, "Mister I'm scared and cold, please let me go"

The child molester cries out, "You think your scared I have to walk home alone !"

[Raistlin]

Why do they call it a "kilt" ?

Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

[balli hi]

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer won't be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap three-year-old house scotch instead. The man takes a sip, spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender: "This is the cheapest three-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now enjoying the challenge, pours the man a slightly better six-year-old scotch. Again, the man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only six-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this. I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. At that point, an old drunk, who has witnessed the entire episode from the end of the bar, walks up to the expert scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him. "What do you think of this?" he asks. The guru takes a sip, and in disgust, spits out the yellow liquid, yelling: "It tastes like p***!" "That's right," says the drunk, "Now tell me how old I am."

[Raistlin]

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes I do, and they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder

[balli hi]

Luck of the Irish

Q: Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?

A: To be sure, to be sure

[balli hi]

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Raistlin]

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts taking her from behind.

David is now very pee'ed off and says, "That isn't a trick"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "Well I think it's magic."

[Raistlin]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

[Raistlin]

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it!

Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them!

So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

[Raistlin]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[Raistlin]

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech

corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and

presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up

against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales

took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his

wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took

out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at

the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --

and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the

problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in

sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his

previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The

message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly

rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again

fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door

and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[Raistlin]

Iraqi TV Guide

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld

8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things

9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

9:00 Just Shoot Me

9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY

8:00 Judge Saddam

8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

9:00 Achmed's Creek

9:30 No-witness News

[Raistlin]

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at

thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope

out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make

every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes

crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,

basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?

I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,

"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just

now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

[Raistlin]

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at

thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope

out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make

every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes

crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,

basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?

I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,

"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just

now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.