Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself

[Raistlin]

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand!

[Raistlin]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Raistlin]

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:

- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:

- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close

them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and

assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:

- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:

- Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:

- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:

- Students are asked to defend their position of why they

should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:

- If and only if the student is present for the final and

the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student

will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

music DEPARTMENT:

- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the

instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp

and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:

- Everybody gets an A.

[Raistlin]

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

[Raistlin]

How many Afgans does in take to change a Lighbulb ?

It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!

[Raistlin]

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.

As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ?

You can unscrew a light bulb

[Raistlin]

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

"Do you want fries with that?"

[Raistlin]

TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES

FROM GOVERNING BORED

DATE 22 APR 1986

1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must

drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,

thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger

employees who represent our future.

2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the

end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed

into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE

(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be

given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at

greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is

called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply

for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will

be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following

Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only

be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as

many times as management deems appropriate.

4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,

he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired

Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan

since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by

management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate

Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,

one should only request this service once.

5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by

signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been

the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained

through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T). We have given

our employees more SH*T than any other organization in the

country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough

SH*T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is

especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SH*T you

can stand.

6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only

upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given

raises and exempt status from the above programs.

[Raistlin]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[Raistlin]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

[Raistlin]

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.

When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years.

I wonder how the girls are doing?"

[Raistlin]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-

law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Raistlin]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he

noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her

boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the

flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after

everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that

they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head

between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I

don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

[Raistlin]

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was

awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs

and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and

masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to

bed.

The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some

liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The

customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and

asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right

over there?"

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

[Raistlin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[balli hi]

And How Did You Die?

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing Could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[Bizarra]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[Raistlin]

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

"don't" and "stop".

[KPARRIS-JONES]

"When are you gonna add me as a friend on MSN?"

"When you become my friend"

[Bizarra]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to Lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your *****-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied. 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......

[Raistlin]

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.

10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"

[Raistlin]

A visiting conventioneer from Balbriggan walked into a bar and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."

"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

[Raistlin]

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs.

She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"