Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

[Bizarra]

Frozen Crabs

>

>

> A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

> and

> asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the

> box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

>

> He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them

> staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a

> lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she

> let

> them thaw out.

>

> Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

>

> Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce

> to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New

> Orleans please raise his hand?"

>

>

>

> Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and had a feast.

>

> Two lessons here:

>

> 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

> 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

>

[Bizarra]

> The sharing of marriage...

>

> The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a

> drink.

>

> He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing

> one half in front of his wife .

>

> He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two

> piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

>

> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup

> down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the

> people around them were looking over and whispering.

>

> Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can

> afford is one meal for the two of them.'

>

> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and

> politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man

> said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

>

> People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a

> bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking

> turns sipping the drink.

>

> Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another

> meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are

> used to sharing everything.'

>

> Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with

> the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who

> had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are

> waiting for?'

>

> She answered

>

> (Continue below - This is great)

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 'THE TEETH.

[Bizarra]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,

'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member 'We No Longer Call it The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

[Bizarra]

> THE RANCH HAND AND THE WIDOW

>

> > successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

> >

> > She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

> > but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad

> in

> > the newspaper for a ranch hand.

> >

> >

> > Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

> >

> > She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

> > decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

> > around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who

> > put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

> > For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very

> well.

> >

> > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have

> > done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go

> into

> > town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went

> > into town one Saturday night.

> >

> >

> > One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

> > Two o'clock and

> > no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon

> > entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

> > fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

> >

> >

> > She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it

> > off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

> > 'Now take off my

> > boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my

> > stockings.'

> > He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

> > 'Now

> > take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

> > eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.'

> > Again, with trembling

> > hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

> >

> >

> >

> > Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into

> > town again, you're fired.'

> >

> >

[Raistlin]

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

[Raistlin]

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Scally's stroll up.

"Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.

In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Scally's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuss off.

St Peter takes his leave.

5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone" God says "Scally's Good" and St Peter replies... "NO, THE PEARLY GATES ".

[Raistlin]

What do Arabs do on saturday night?

They sit under palm trees and eat their dates

[Raistlin]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Raistlin]

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

[Raistlin]

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

(Is that Noahs wife)

[Bizarra]

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

(Is that Noahs wife)

Groooooan That was just too much at this hour of the night :lol2: Still, I do love a good pun :D

[Raistlin]

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

(Is that Noahs wife)

Groooooan That was just too much at this hour of the night :lol2: Still, I do love a good pun :D

Yes we heard you like to get Pun -ished B)

[Raistlin]

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a pee.

He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

[Raistlin]

How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?

Even the pool tables don't have balls.

[Raistlin]

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

[Raistlin]

A tall woman met a midget at a party.

The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[Raistlin]

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk.

"Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the butt."

[Raistlin]

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America.

He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living.

He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old.

He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?"

Hitler replied "Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America!

This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!".

The journalist asked "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A TOSS ABOUT THE JEWS!"

[Bizarra]

A Lady with a fine head of hair walks into the Chemist's and asks for a bottle of the best hair restorer he has in stock.

He looks at her , wondering, and asks her if she is going to use it on her fine head of hair.

"Oh no " she replies, "it's for my chihuahua"

"Ok" says the Chemist. "Use it sparingly and don't ride a bicycle for a fortnight ".

[Raistlin]

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

[Raistlin]

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by.

"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"

The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Sod off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off.

"Blimey," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men ?

It changes their blood type.

[Raistlin]

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery ?

A Slipodictomy.