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Posted

Why is pubic hair curly ?

If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.


Posted

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

(but you need a long knife).

Posted

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches watches and the other watches snatches

Posted

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

Posted

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no

passion..

So I decided I needed a passionate girl..

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..

Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I

needed a girl with some stability..

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited

about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement..

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed

from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was

directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition..

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so

ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned..

Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..


Posted

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.

"One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

Posted

What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

'Hey y'all... Watch this!'

Posted

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Posted

What's the difference between a whale and a dyke?

About ten pounds, and a plaid shirt.

Posted

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked

his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the

one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your

attitude." she said and smiled.

Posted

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.

Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem."

Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an Apple."

Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."

"OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."

Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange."

Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."

Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?"

Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!"

Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it."

Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!"

Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a penny, but, I like the way you're thinking!"

Posted

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Johnson

9. Heavy Bosum

10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Posted

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Posted

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"


Posted

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

DEFENDANT: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you *****ting me?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress s when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________ _________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTO RNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive

when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted

Bell Ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame

sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was

needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and

went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing

several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it

a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was

there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe !." And he began striking the

bells with his face, producing a beautiful

melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a

replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man

tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in

the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen

figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments

before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked:

"Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

( scroll down )

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> (....Ready ?)

>

>

>

> ..

>

>

>

"but his face sure rings a bell"

>

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more ....(DON'T DELETE YET!)

>

>

>

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his

heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the

Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

>

>

>

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother

of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry

yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him

in this duty."

>

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless

man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he

moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,

rushed up the stairs to his side.

>

>

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked

breathlessly.

>

I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but..."

>

> ( . . Wait for it . . .. )

>

>

>

>

>( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)

>

>

>

> ..

>

>

> (.......Here it comes.....)

>

>

> ..

>

" He's a dead ringer for his brother."

Posted

This just about sums it up in a nutshell.....

This is a good one send it every where you can

'The hair cut'

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he

asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money

from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was

pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his

bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the

shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank

you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when

he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept

money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor

is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank

you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve

Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes

to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament

is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen

Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament

Posted

LOYAL WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his

money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take

all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to

the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he

died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,

and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,

just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in

there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him

that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account

and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....

Posted

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

> With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they

> were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every

> morning

>

> ... Uphill... barefoot...

>

> BOTH ways

>

> Yadda, yadda, yadda

>

> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

> There was no way in hell I was going to lay

>

> A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

>

> And how easy they've got it!

>

> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of

> Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

>

> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my

> Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

>

> And I hate to say it but you kids today you

> Don't know how good you've got it!

>

> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to

> know something, We had to go to the damn library and

> Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

>

> There was no email!! We had to actually write

> Somebody a letter, with a pen!

>

> ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in

> the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

>

> There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to

> Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and

> shoplift it yourself!

>

> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the

> DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

>

>

> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

> Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal,

> that's it!

>

> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your

> school,

> Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent,

> you

> Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

>

> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video

> Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With

> games

> Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You

> Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels

> or

> Screens, it was just one screen

> Forever!

>

> And you could never win. The game just kept getting

> Harder and harder and

> Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

>

> You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was

> On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off

> Your ***** and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no

> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons

> On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL

> WEEK

> For cartoons, you spoiled

> Little rat-*****s!

>

> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat

> Something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!

>

> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

> Today have got it too easy.

> You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted

> Five minutes back in 1980!

>

> Regards,

> The over 30 Crowd

Posted

A man walks into Harrods to purchase some see-through

lingerie for his wife

> >

> >

> >

> > He is shown several possibilities that range from

> > £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher

> > the price.

> >

> >

> > He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and

> > takes the lingerie home.

> >

> >

> >

> > He presents it to his wife and asks her to go

> > upstairs, put it on and model it for him..

> >

> >

> >

> > Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.

> > It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.

> > I won't put it on - do the modeling naked -then- return

> > it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for

> > myself'.

> >

> >

> > So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and

> > strikes a pose.

> >

> >

> > The husband says 'F*ck me, it wasn't that

> > creased in the shop'.

> >

> >

> > His funeral is this Thursday..

Posted

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant20got on a bus.. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Posted

Latest additions are absolutely 5 Star :lol::thumbsup:

Keep them coming :D . I always go through the posts & keep the best [yours] for last :lol2: :toast:

Posted

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Posted

What's a real mate ?

Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one ….when he returns.

Posted

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?

It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

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