Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[Raistlin]

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

[Raistlin]

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?

"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

[Raistlin]

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"

and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

[Raistlin]

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: a woman.

[Raistlin]

Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist ?

You get repossessed

[Raistlin]

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively.

"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

[Raistlin]

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb ?

We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

[Raistlin]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common ?

Someone's going to lose their trailer...

[Raistlin]

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........No ?

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

[Raistlin]

There were two cats that enjoyed running together.

The first cat was english, called One-two-three.

The other was french and called Un-deux-trois.

One day when they were running they came to a huge river.

The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could.

Which cat drowned?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

[Raistlin]

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

[Raistlin]

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players ?

It saves time in the long run.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?

He got 16 months

[Raistlin]

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

[Raistlin]

Question: What's the penalty for bigamy?

Answer: Two mothers-in-law

[Raistlin]

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed with his wife. Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"

Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police officer?"

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

[Raistlin]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

[Raistlin]

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's *****," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

[Raistlin]

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs ?

You will when you're older, Lucy

[Raistlin]

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs ?

You will when you're older, Lucy

[Raistlin]

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs ?

You will when you're older, Lucy

[Raistlin]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving

very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled

the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that

evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads

stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then

there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these

mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'

those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I

had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye

know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for

later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he

located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for

inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you

to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

[Raistlin]

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to

stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old

spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in

letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to

the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.

"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he

answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there?

Does he look decent?" they ask.

Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."

The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...

let him in!"

[Raistlin]

Husband: Fancy a quickie ?

Wife: As opposed to what ?