Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull*****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[Raistlin]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something

about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his

girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and

walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good

idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend

entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the

bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's

me!"

[Raistlin]

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.

A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"

The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."

"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

[Raistlin]

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Four.

Actually, only one to screw it in.

The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part

[Raistlin]

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

[Raistlin]

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'

there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One

morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I

have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,

"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of

the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am

asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here

- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,

"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just

mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under

the sheets."

[Raistlin]

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.

After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!

How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

[Raistlin]

Where do you find 60 million french jokes ?

In France.

[Raistlin]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

[Raistlin]

The new hooker had just finished her first trick.

When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was £100, but he said he did not have that much.

So, I told him a blow job would be £75, but he did not have that much either.

Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had £25.

So, I told him, 'For £25, all I can give you is a hand job.'

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out.

I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!

Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him £75!"

[Raistlin]

She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

He: Your sense of humor.

[Raistlin]

The Math Test

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word

problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

The City of Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_______________________________

Gang:___________________________

1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13

times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he

has to reload?

2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to

Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he

doesn't cut it?

3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks

will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of

cut will he need?

5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has

stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law

wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison,

and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,

how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?

8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of

the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month

welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children

should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail

bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

[Raistlin]

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:

"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."

"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."

"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."

"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."

"And it hasn't got any arms either."

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."

The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.

"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"

"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

[Raistlin]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special.

I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[Raistlin]

A vet had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[Raistlin]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in

thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the

light had changed...

I t is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't

honked, I 'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,

and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of

God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus *****, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger

stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window

and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that

they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is

when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on

through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection

before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave

them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the

Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord

for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Raistlin]

One blonde to another...

Have you ever read Shakespeare?

No. Who wrote it?

[Raistlin]

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

[Raistlin]

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best ?

The top of her head.

[Raistlin]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story...

[Raistlin]

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

"I can lick any man in the place"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

[Raistlin]

This bloke was ordered from the pool for peeing in the water.

"That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know."

"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."