Raistlin's Joke Page

[balli hi]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'

The man answered, 'Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my *****, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

[Raistlin]

What is a blonde who died her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence.

[Raistlin]

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?"

"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."

"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.

"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."

[Raistlin]

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"

[Raistlin]

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..."

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?

" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."

The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fricking bed."

[Raistlin]

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?

So they push back harder.

[Raistlin]

Daddy, daddy, what's a pervert?

Shut up, son, and keep sucking

[Raistlin]

What is grey and comes in litres?

An Elephant.

[Raistlin]

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.

The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"

[Raistlin]

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office.

"Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.

"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

[Raistlin]

How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb?

It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!

[Raistlin]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your ***** is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Raistlin]

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

[Raistlin]

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.

Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[Raistlin]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said," but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the Shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

[Raistlin]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said," but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two pounds and forty-nine pence because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the Shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

[Raistlin]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I travelled all around the world.

We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.

I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[Raistlin]

God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill ....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez......" !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

"What's a headache?

[Raistlin]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,

"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high.

[Raistlin]

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[Raistlin]

One day a guy walks into a bank and robs it.

He then turned around and asked the person "Did you see me rob this bank?", the person says "Yes".

The robber shoots him.

The robber then turns around to see a man and his wife, he then asks them "Did you see me rob this bank?".

The man says "I didn't but my wife did!".

[Raistlin]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!

[Raistlin]

A PMS Guide

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"

SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"

SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?"

SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown."

SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"

SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"

SAFEST: "Here's fifty pounds."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"

SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."

SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"

DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?"

SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today."

SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."

[Raistlin]

jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Raistlin]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'