Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A typical 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about eight or nine months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman.

'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron."

"I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After about thirty minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says c asually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?

There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.

'You mean . . . . . . . ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well'

[Bizarra]

LIVING WILL

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said

to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some

machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the

plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

[Bizarra]

(OR SHORT AND SWEET)

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and,

at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he

would now need to enter a password. Something he could

remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in

a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock

effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the

computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for

effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his

shoulder, he keyed in ......

P E N I S

His wife fell off her chair with laughter when the computer

replied :

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH !!!!

[Bizarra]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Bizarra]

A little boy says to his mother,

"Mommy, how come I'm black, and you're white?"

Wiping a tear from her eye, his mother replied,

"Darling, from what I can remember about that party,

you're lucky you don't bark!

[Bizarra]

This is what I have :(

Subject: AAADD

*_AAADD_*

/_KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!_/

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

/This is how it manifests:/

//I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the hall table that

That was delivered earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the rubbush bin under the table,

and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the

table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,

and see that there is only one cheque left.

My new cheque books are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,

but first I need to push the Pepsi aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of

Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....

/Do me a favour, please./

/Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who

the hell I've sent it to./

[Bizarra]

> Subject: Alzheimer's or HIV! *The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'** **'Mrs.> Sanders, please.'> 'Speaking.'> 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When> your> husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from> another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one> belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too> good.'> > 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.> > 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's andthe> other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is

which.'> > 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.> Sanders.> > 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive > tests> once and once only.'> > 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'> > 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off> somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't> sleep> with him.**'*>

[Bizarra]

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Bizarra]

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune

and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you

like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity

stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old

bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply

moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing

your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the

object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

vibrator.

LIVERPOOL FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply

strapping a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to

your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking

around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the

price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in

your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross

out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning

you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of

washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will

wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten

minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the

benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips

from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a

window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them

before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway

and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

[Bizarra]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio...

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:

'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

[Raistlin]

The common symptoms of swine flu are:

High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to have sex in the mud...

[Raistlin]

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

[Raistlin]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three

kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an

aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage

of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you

in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and

advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor

an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like

ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address

you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his

wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.

crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy

corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the

tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more

that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with

several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into

the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of

tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a

broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left

their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is

buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the

community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and

employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He

continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice

trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that

the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless

and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed

over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting

with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new

circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order

to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and

has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have

e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if

you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be

sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a

janitor than a millionaire.

[Raistlin]

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather

hot blond behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him...

and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from...

so he says ..."Sorry....do you know me?"

She replies... "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the

father... of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap".... he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party

that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while

your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up

my behind?"

"No".... she replies..... "I'm your son's teacher."

[Raistlin]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous

on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I

start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note

on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *****.

6. We do not refer to Jesus ***** as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and

the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say

he was stoned off his *****.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and

eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for

the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a

peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Raistlin]

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.

But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

[Raistlin]

'Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the

door.

Standing in Nelson 's doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a

white coat and holding a clipboard.

"Good morning Sir" says the man, "You take derivery of two thousand

front headrights"

"Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson , "I haven't ordered

headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And

he shuts the door.

The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring.

He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white

coat and clipboard.

"You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man.

"Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now clear

off!" and he slams the door.

Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his

freedom coffee and the paper, when there's a knock at the door. Again,

standing in the doorway is the Japanese man.

Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark

prugs"

"Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson . "I don't know what's

Going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY

CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY and leave me in peace!!"

The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then

says

"So you not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[Raistlin]

Today's jokes [7.24.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget

some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of

your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will

receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:

* 0.5 Miss Worlds,

* 2.5 supermodels,

* 463 wild nymphos,

* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,

* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,

* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and

tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your

original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his

friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent

her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial

expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since

he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to

whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has

already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from

exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No

expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only

interest women) just so that you can bonk her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like

marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can

prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

[Raistlin]

One for Vic.............

WARNING!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman

comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing

this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find

them on Sunday.

[Raistlin]

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service

by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on

the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the

president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the

Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your

respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you

and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and

says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[Raistlin]

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes

For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere

summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of

others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions

at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and

without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,

religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and

operating system of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.

3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the

wishes for her/himself or others.

4. It is void where prohibited by law, and

5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a

subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.

Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this

particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the

use of the colour blue.

[Bizarra]

One for Vic.............

WARNING!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman

comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing

this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find

them on Sunday.

Thanks Raist But you forgot to post the map with an X to show me where to go

[balli hi]

John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every day, with no luck (hes quite picky). One day he comes across a mint looking Harley with a For Sale sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one even though its 10 years old, really shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. Well, its quite simple, really, says the seller, whenever the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says, I have to tell you something about my family before we go in When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. No problem, he says. And in they go.

John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, of course, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandy. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her !Removed!. Still, nobody says a word. He stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her brains out right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom definately horrified, but, when he sits back down nobody says a word.

John, looking over at Sandys mom, thinks to himself shes pretty hot. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. His girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, All right, thats enough, Ill do the f****g dishes!

[balli hi]

Confucius Sayings

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesnt determine who is right, only who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot

Man who goes to bed with sexual problems in mind, wakes up with solution in hand

when Russians attack from behind, Greece will help.

Girl who sits on brother in law's knee makes it hard for sister