Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.

His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend.

The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot.

Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water.

The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top.

The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."

The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.

The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top.

The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear."

The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"

He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

[Raistlin]

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

[Raistlin]

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

[Raistlin]

Why don't cannibals eat comedians ?

They taste funny.

[Raistlin]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[Raistlin]

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play.

"What part?" the mother asked.

"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.

"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

[Raistlin]

"Give me the bad news first."

"You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?"

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

[Raistlin]

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?

You get your wife and your job back.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic ?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

[Raistlin]

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, Is he still wrong?

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between erotic and kinky ?

Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

[Raistlin]

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one...but it takes an entire A & E Department to get it out.

[Raistlin]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician, The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Raistlin]

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

[Raistlin]

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

Two boys are playing football in Regent's Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"A brave Londoner saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not from London " the boy replies.

"I'm visiting from Paris !"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "French b&stard kills family pet".

[Raistlin]

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.

It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the sodding porridge yet!!"

[Raistlin]

If the bird of Wisdom is an Owl, and the bird of Peace is the Dove.

What is the bird of True Love ?

The Swallow.

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Four

Actually, only one to screw it in.

The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

[Raistlin]

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because it would look silly with six inches.

[silversurfer]

two fly's on a sh*t

one farts, the other said

"you dirty bast@rd im eating"

[Raistlin]

A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.

Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down.

Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You know mum, sometimes you really p*ss me off."

[Raistlin]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife about the problem.

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."