Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

[Raistlin]

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,

he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said

Socialist Hell.

In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long

line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the

executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"

"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the

guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

[Raistlin]

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

[Raistlin]

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

[Raistlin]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother

Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring

about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their

habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the

nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each

other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,

they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Raistlin]

Two burglars broke into a building and stole a calendar.

They both got 6 months.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!

[Bizarra]

A guy from Corner Brook, Newfoundland was driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,

"Hey, you gots a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I gots one too... See?" the Newf says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newf.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the

Rock.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, does you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, gots me double bed right in back here," the Newf Replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so He immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to Put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up His car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Newfoundland Labrador plates. Finally, He finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels Somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack And peeks out The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander,

"What's up?" "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Newf exclaims, " B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS ME THAT?!"

[Raistlin]

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field.

One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!",

the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

[Raistlin]

Sad Pick Up Lines

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

[Raistlin]

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,"Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his tool. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

[Raistlin]

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about ***** his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

[Raistlin]

The labourl party announced today that they are changing their emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance :

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

[Raistlin]

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[Bizarra]

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sxx?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to

the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The

wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day..

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Bizarra]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[Bizarra]

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Raistlin]

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was

placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would

choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,

since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a

whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed

between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies

before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the

music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She

motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside

her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the

day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped

toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She

threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her

thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...

Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem,

just get that tiger out of the cage

[Raistlin]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging

that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a

special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After

several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a

wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to

wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you

got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the

handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.

Get in."

[Raistlin]

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

[Raistlin]

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?" "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?" "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?" "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?

The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"