Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.

The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it.

But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"

[Raistlin]

Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?

A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.

[Raistlin]

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down

[Raistlin]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.

Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -

'Take a clean dish and....'"

[Raistlin]

Actual recorded call centre conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get

through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly

states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before

cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for jack?"

Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering

wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone

box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.

If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This

is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to

say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Raistlin]

What do spaghetti and blondes have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them

[Bizarra]

Why we love children ...........................

> > 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it

> > was dead.

> > 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

> > 'Because I ****** in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child

> > innocently.

> > 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

> > 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and

> it

> > didn't move'

> >

> > 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

> >

> > Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

> > 'What?'

> > 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

> > 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

> > Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

> > 'WHAT?'

> > 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

> > ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

> > Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

> > 'WHAT!'

> > 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

> >

> > 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into

> mischief,

> > finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

> > The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in

> > and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For

> Heaven's

> > sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

> >

> > 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

> > tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when

> he

> > asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me

> > tonight?'

> > The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

> > 'I can't darling ,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

> > A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

> > 'The big sissy.'

> >

> > 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

> > children's sermon.

> > All the children were invited to come forward.

> > One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she

> sat

> > down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty

> dress.

> > Is it your Easter Dress?'

> > The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on

> > microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

> >

> > 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

> > old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

> > shower.

> > She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

> > I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her

> > tummy.'

> > 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

> >

> > 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

> >

> > He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

> >

> > Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....'

> > His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you

> doing?'

> > The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

> > 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

> > 'Yes,' he answered..

> > Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you

> > teaching my son in math?'

> > The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

> > The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two,

> that

> > son of a bitch is four?'

> > After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught

> them

> > was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

> >

> > 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

> > Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

> > Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '..... and so Chicken

> > Little went up to the farmer and said,

> >

> > 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

> > The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that

> > farmer said?'

> > One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:

> > 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''

> > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

> >

> > 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.

> > Sugarbrown's daughter.'

> > Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane

> > Sugarbrown.'

> > The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you

> > Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?'

> > She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

> >

> > 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

> > with the boys?'

> > Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too

> > rough.'

> > The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

> >

> > If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

> >

> > 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

> > She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair

> cut,

> > eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

> > 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

> > She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

> >

[Raistlin]

So you don't know jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of

the Kneedeep Schitt

Inn. jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next

came twin sons, Deep

Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,

and another son,

Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married

Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and

Giva Schitt, married the

Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd

Schitt and Horace

Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they

are awaiting the

arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know jack Schitt.

[Raistlin]

Do you know why it's called sex?

Because it's easier to spell than

Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

[Raistlin]

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff

occured along the front. For days and days neither side made

any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey

Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general

shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and

decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The

Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

[Raistlin]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

[Raistlin]

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across

the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing

along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The

commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run

up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the

advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general

stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to

investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be

seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find

out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune,

too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire

division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.

But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and

cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's

hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

[Raistlin]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I

would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the

pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".

Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They"re packed with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave

him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next

day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so

on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the

top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into

the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out

of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.

[Raistlin]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then

captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners

that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the

trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces

of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to

gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove

the fruits up your ***** without any expression on your face or you'll

be eaten. The first Apple went in... but on the second one he winced

out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that

this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,

"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing

just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all

those watermelons!"

[Raistlin]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Raistlin]

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed:

"Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

[Raistlin]

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

[Raistlin]

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady

of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of

agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm

down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun

began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I

heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,

"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a

contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

[Raistlin]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the

zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,

sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass

in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),

grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously

excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing

the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play

along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises

that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one

of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear

the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the

door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell

HIM you have a headache."

[Raistlin]

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?

No more blowjobs.

[Raistlin]

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion

came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How

funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the *****?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed

the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,

and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,

he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time

to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had

to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.

The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's

shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter

reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that

screwed the lion in the *****?"

Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy ****! It's in the paper already?"

[Raistlin]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

[Raistlin]

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.