Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting

like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and

asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.

He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,

Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away

in Chicago."

[Raistlin]

What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at

the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts

all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over

them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and

asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards

signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

A retarded ape.

[Raistlin]

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[Raistlin]

How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a

delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you

have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good

meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be

refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in

your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of

work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.

His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of

the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school

books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,

and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's

hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if

necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he

would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise

of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the

children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile

and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't

complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with

what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.

Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in

the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his

pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,

soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the

moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to

dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to

understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home

and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where

your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill for women?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator

[Bizarra]

> > Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when

> > Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops

> > dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other

> > five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and

> > asks, "Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it

> > be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him

> > to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

> > "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion

> > is me middle name. Leave it to me."

> > Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.

> > Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your

> > husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

> > "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. I'll go tell him." says

> > Gallagher.

> > ***********************************************************************

> > Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run

> > over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is

> > cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

> >

> > "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

> > "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

> > "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must

> > have had something in his hand."

> > "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

> > lickin' he gave me with it."

> > "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have

> > something in your hand?"

> > That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

> > it was; but useless in a fight."

> > ********************************************************************

> > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the

> > city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the

> > road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where

> > have ya been?"

> > "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

> > "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink

> > this evening."

> > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

> > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms

> > across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of

> > your car?"

> > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd

> > gone deaf."

> >

> > ************************************************

> > Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan

> > arrives at her door.

> > "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

> > "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

> > husband?"

> > "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident

> > down at the Guinness brewery"

> > "Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

> > "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

> > Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

> > "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and

> > drowned."

> > "Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go

> > quickly?"

> > "Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

> >

> > **********************************************

> > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,

> > and she's in tears.

> > He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

> > She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

> > last night."

> > The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have

> > any last requests?"

> > She says, "That he did, Father."

> > The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

> > "She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun..."

> >

> > ******************

> > AND THE BEST FOR LAST

> > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

> > sits down, but says nothing.

> > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk

> > continues to sit there.

> > Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,

> > "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

> >

> >

> > ****************

> >

[Bizarra]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said,

"About 3 hours."The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said,

"Only about an hour. "The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said,

"Hey, Bill, do me a favour, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife"!

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car

is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,

dirt and blood. He asks his friend,

"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about

the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

[Raistlin]

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

[Raistlin]

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may

freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not

used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,

silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able

to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when

placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for

disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income

reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!

Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room

temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and

sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging

samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh

samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.

Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when

mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize

by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able

to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and

begins to smell.

[Raistlin]

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand...

[Raistlin]

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect *****.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"

[Bizarra]

TRANSLATED FROM FRENCH/CANADIAN BY GOOGLE, BUT UNDERSTANDABLE :

An elderly woman is arrested by police.

THE OLDER WOMAN: Is there a problem officer?

OFFICER: Yes, ma'am. I'm afraid you're driving at excessive speed.

! THE OLDER WOMAN: Ah!. I see.

OFFICER: Do I see your license please?

THE OLDER WOMAN: I'll TELL THE TRUTH but I have none.

OFFICER: You do not?

THE OLDER WOMAN: Yes. I lost 4 years ago for driving while intoxicated.

OFFICER: I see ... Can I see your registration papers.

THE OLDER WOMAN: I can not.

OFFICER: Why not?

THE OLDER WOMAN: I stole this car.

OFFICER: You have stolen?

THE OLDER WOMAN: Yes, and I killed and buried the owner.

OFFICER: You did what! ? ?

THE OLDER WOMAN: The body parts are in plastic bags in the suitcase back, if you want to see. The officer looked at the woman and slowly withdraws into his car while calling for support. After a few minutes, 5 police cars surround the car. A senior slowly approaches the car, holding his pistol.

OFFICER 2: Ma'am, please step out of your vehicle! The old lady gets out of her vehicle.

THE OLDER WOMAN: Is there a problem officer?

OFFICER 2 : My colleague here told me that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

OLDER WOMEN: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?

OFFICER 2 : Yes, could you please open the bag in your car?

The woman opens the bag indicating nothing more than an empty suitcase.

Is this your car, ma'am?

THE OLDER WOMAN: Yes, here are the registration papers. The 1st officer was quite surprised.

OFFICER 2 : My colleague told me that you do not have a license.

The woman rummages through her bag hand withdrew her license and gave it to the officer. The officer examines the license carefully.

OFFICER 2 : Thank you, ma'am. But I am a little confused because I was told by another officer that you had no license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and buried the owner!

THE OLDER WOMAN: I bet that damn liar you also said that I was driving too fast.

Moral of the Story- Don't mess with older women

[Raistlin]

Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

"I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got

eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."

The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten'because his dong

is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."

The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"

She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' "

"Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.

"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass.

[Raistlin]

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was

stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did

not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no

room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your

sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk

stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not

admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you

know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary

in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a

manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a ***** like you in the

hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

[Raistlin]

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are

making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't

belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop.

" Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."

The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that."

Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[Bizarra]

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was

stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did

not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no

room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your

sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk

stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not

admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you

know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary

in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a

manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a ***** like you in the

hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Brilliant Top marks for that one

[Bizarra]

> An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He

> immediately dials 999.

>

> Irishman: '' It's my <I thought I could get past the swearing filter - what a sad muppet I am eh?>en wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've

> <I thought I could get past the swearing filter - what a sad muppet I am eh?>en killed her !''

>

> Operator: '' Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is

> actually dead !''

>

> *click* ... *BANG*

>

> Irishman: '' Okay, I've done that. What next ?''

>

>

>

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a brown-noser and a ****-head?

Depth perception.