Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

[Raistlin]

How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?

She unties you.

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

[Raistlin]

The 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' franchise has a new Bucket of Chicken out.

It's called the 'Lady GaGa'

It contains two small breasts and two large thighs.

[Raistlin]

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

[Raistlin]

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

[Raistlin]

You may have heard that a Irishman had a hand transplant.

Guess what?

His ***** rejected it!

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

[Raistlin]

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?

They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip to get stoned.

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar

and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain

admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and

discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables

in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to

fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over

for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -

just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when

we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",

She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then

asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[Raistlin]

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a box

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

[Raistlin]

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford

the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't

afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes

on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out

of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything

else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough

to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs

out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields

and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll

get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next

day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put

the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later

that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the

next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and

drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking

around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes

back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week

and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks

his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back

of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

[Raistlin]

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his

options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible

donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an

automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman

who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.

The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30

years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why

he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the

patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?

Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.

[Raistlin]

A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird. On the way he attempts to hire porters from a tribe of Pygmys. They warn him of the dreaded curse on all who look upon the bird and refuse to join. Undaunted the intrepid photographer continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.

After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.

In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off a shot. No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.

The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing. He frantically tries to get the stuff off but to no avail. Finally in desperation, he throws himself into the river. A large crocodile promptly eats him.

The moral?

It the foo ****s, wear it.

[Raistlin]

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

[Bizarra]

THIS IS WELL WORTH A READ

> This is funny!!!

>

> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a

> little

> 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you

> believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the

> gift of our time.

>

> A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a

> Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty

> lot.

>

> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in

> all the

> activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the

> workers.

>

> Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"

> more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted

> with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch

> breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

> important.

>

> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay

> envelope

> containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother

> who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to

> the bank the

> next day to start a savings account.

>

> When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally

> impressed

> and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check

> at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last

> week with a

> real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

>

> "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working

> on the house again this week?"

>

> The little girl replied, "I will, if those *****s at Home Depot ever

> deliver the ****' sheet rock..."

[Raistlin]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously

knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was

as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you

play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful

tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you

make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling

over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through

-- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little

depressed to me."

[Raistlin]

Question: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?

Answer: Two Mennonite!

[Raistlin]

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While

fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have

changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking

about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems

with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

[Raistlin]

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk.

"Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the *****."