Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ***** was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[Raistlin]

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?

Marry her

[Raistlin]

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with

Battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

[Raistlin]

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,

this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy

onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his

pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30

minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking

and quivering.

'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?

'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.

Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and

shaking again..

'Are you sure you're alright sir?'

'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.

I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring

a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'

'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'

'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

[Raistlin]

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

[Raistlin]

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours

to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long

cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only

had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied.

And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and

says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do

it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He

taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only

have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps

her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering

you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it

one more time?"

She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You

know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do"

[Raistlin]

How do you make a cat drink?

Add 1 cat, 2 lemons, Vodka, ice to a blender.

Mix then serve

[Raistlin]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind as I will have to adjust the chair."

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Raistlin]

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little *****.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.

"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.

"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.

"And the bad news?"

"Mine died"

[Raistlin]

I have this friend who has a real dilemma.

His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

[Raistlin]

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?

Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips

[Raistlin]

What's better than roses on your piano ?

Two lips on your organ ...

[Raistlin]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.

His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

[Raistlin]

How do you get a Blonde to Marry you?

Tell her she's Pregnant.

[Raistlin]

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in

the school play.

"What part?" the mother asked.

"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.

"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

[Raistlin]

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

[Raistlin]

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."

[Raistlin]

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him.

Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?"

The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

[Bizarra]

The Joke of the Day

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

[Bizarra]

> A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery

> store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who

> asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

>

> The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a

> coupla blocks and turn to your right."

>

> Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.

> I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get

> to Heaven."

>

> The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't

> even know the way to the ubicking Post Office "

>

>

[Bizarra]

Something like this happens before every Election, here in Ireland Our Politicians suddenly start eating in our local Restaurants & drinking in our Pubs. When the Election is over They aren't seen again till the next one

BROWN, DARLING AND A DOG

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' Said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! And remember not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a

lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown. 'Good evening, Prime Minister' Said the landlord, 'two pints of Best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its

tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the

same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling. People of all ages and gender

followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. 'Tell me' Said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is It an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' Said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ubikholes'

[Raistlin]

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my *****."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my *****."

"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

[Raistlin]

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball

She choked...

[Raistlin]

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.

"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.

Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."