Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?

He got 16 months.

[Raistlin]

An elderly man, we can call him Vic goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 60 years old," he says.

"60!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Red Yaris 54]

An elderly man, we can call him Vic goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 60 years old," he says.

"60!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

:P Vic is just a bit older than 60 ;) ...............................but I do not think he pays for it :P

[Raistlin]

An elderly man, we can call him Vic goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 60 years old," he says.

"60!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

:P Vic is just a bit older than 60 ;) ...............................but I do not think he pays for it :P

I was being kind.... :D

[Raistlin]

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe

for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a

supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a

train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find

a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train

looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was

room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,

older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,

"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.

He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold

your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally

said,

"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with

not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your

dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you

are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,

threw it out the window, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat

spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the

lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot

of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your

fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out

of the window."

[Raistlin]

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.

Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of

chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,

the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not

eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and

disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the

stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're

not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little

acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.

Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of

chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.

Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into

the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said

"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."

[Raistlin]

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so.

I've always been especially fond of married women."

[Bizarra]

An elderly man, we can call him Vic goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 60 years old," he says.

"60!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

:P Vic is just a bit older than 60 ;) ...............................but I do not think he pays for it :P

I was being kind.... :D

Must be a New Years resolution <_< Keep it up ! :lol2:

[balli hi]

New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

[balli hi]

Hostile Natives

MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.

'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'

Job hunting in Scotland

'Are you looking for work Jock?'

'Not necessarily - but I'd like a job.'

Scotland - The home of golf

Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'

Canny Scots

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'

A thoughtful Scottish husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[Raistlin]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Raistlin]

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house.

His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

"What's this," she asked.

"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

[Raistlin]

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy.

Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting.

"Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."

"Why?" chorused the women.

And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad luck?"

[Raistlin]

Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of the great composers.

Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."

Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."

[Raistlin]

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

[Raistlin]

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers".

Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

[Raistlin]

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy

with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher

says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to

that restaurant and get something to eat.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there.

We've got dogs with us.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman

Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk

in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,

they're using them now, they're very good.'

The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts

on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is

my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'

[Raistlin]

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

[Raistlin]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.

And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How much money have you got?

[Raistlin]

A strained voice called out through the darkened

theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,

"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in

a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

[Raistlin]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in

each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He

has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about

the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the

ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to

go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.

"How's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If

I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be

Louie"

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my

day!"

[Raistlin]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

[Raistlin]

Why are brides dressed in white?

So they match the rest of the appliances.

[Raistlin]

A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan.

The man is shocked and excited, so he rushes out the door and summons the doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"

The doctor waits outside the room and gives the man some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks: "sir, please, what happened?"

The man looks at the doctor: "doctor, my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked...and now she's gone."

The doctor asks "but sir, how is that possible?"

The man replies "she choked."