Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[Raistlin]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[Raistlin]

I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63

[Raistlin]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they

realize there is no soap. Father John says he has

some soap in his room and goes to get it, not

bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in

his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets

halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns

heading his way. Having no place to hide, he

stands against the wall and freezes like he's a

statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his

*****. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."

To test her theory she also pulls his *****...and

sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The

third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and

three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries

once more and to her delight she yells...

"Look, hand cream!"

[Bizarra]

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canie plae it,can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

[Raistlin]

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

[Raistlin]

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of

control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a

while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what

about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her

hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in

unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight

like a man !' " he admitted.

[Raistlin]

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that

at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever

seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have

her....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any

Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes

back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he

says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but

this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get

her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man

forks over his £10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a

champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his

compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather

disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her

barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most

seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically

excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders

and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his

neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

[Raistlin]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

[Raistlin]

I was shopping at our local supermarket.

When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,

"Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

[Raistlin]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "No."

Bad girls say, "When?"

[Raistlin]

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives.

The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world.

She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer!

The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive!

Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a *****!"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

[Raistlin]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of

them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and

again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Raistlin]

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

[Raistlin]

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.

Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f**king times."

[Raistlin]

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Iraq as part of the peace keeping mission.

During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

[Raistlin]

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk...

[Raistlin]

What do jelly and a woman have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

[Raistlin]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

[Raistlin]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband

liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the

husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that

morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was

not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the

boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside

the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says,

"Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area

and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,

"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and

write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady

told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't

even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the

equipment!"

[Raistlin]

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty pence," the man answers.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[Raistlin]

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

[Raistlin]

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to make love an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started the business.

In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited.

He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"