Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster.

Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.

It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

[Raistlin]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.

Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

[Raistlin]

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."

"What's the matter?" replies Paddy "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.

Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy."

He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

[Raistlin]

Why did god invent alcohol?

So fat women can get laid too.

[Raistlin]

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench

for three days when one needs a ****.

"I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink"

"There's another trench over there" says the other.

"I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout and

and i'll cover you so you can get back"

"OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off the

machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes......15.......20....

he shouts out "Are you Ok?".....nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

"Cover me i`m coming back"

When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the hell have

you been? you've been gone for over an hour"

"Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her

tits,fondled her *****,turned her round and took her from

behind!"

"It was great!"

"You lucky man" said the other "did you get a blow job?"

"nah" said the other,disappointedly" she didn't have a head"

[Raistlin]

Microsoft Market Penetration

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every

aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a

suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft

has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It

believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in

penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for

virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the

non-propagation of life.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,

DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton

Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the

package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.

Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for

professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,

aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory

channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be

known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the

package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum

hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and

is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After

installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must

have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is

complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,

"It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern

during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious

error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these

have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its

used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a

reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to

its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,

that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,

Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's

potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our

customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

[Raistlin]

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

2nd surgeon says “Nah, Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

3rd surgeon says “Try Electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded.”

4th surgeon says “I prefer Chelsea fans. They’re Heartless, Spineless, Gutless, Brainless and their Heads and *****’s are interchangeable!”

Police are called to Old Trafford.

A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.The police negotiator says to him, “come on mate, it’s not that bad, don’t do it!”

“You don’t get it!” says the Chelsea fan, “for four years I’ve been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley… we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs… then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can’t take it any more!”

“Ok mate, I do understand your pain,” replied the negotiator, “but I don’t understand one thing… why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren’t you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?”

The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, “have you seen the f*ckin QUEUE?”

Definition of a good referee

1. Must be fair.

2. Must be consistent.

3. Must make correct judgements.

4. Must be able to stay in control.

5. Must award Chelsea at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players!

Sung to the tune, “You Are My Sunshine”

You are a jessie,

An ugly southern jessie,

You’re only happy,

on giro day,

your mum’s out thieving,

your dad’s drug-dealing,

so please dont take,

my Blues, away!

[Raistlin]

A man runs into a vets with his limp dog in his arms asking to see a vet. The nurse ushers him into the examination room. The vet comes in and gives the dog an examination. He tells the man his dog is dead. The man is very upset and asks for a second opinion.

The vet goes out and returns with a cat. He puts the cat on the dog. The cat starts walking over the dog starting at its head, down its body, all the way to its tail. The cat turns to the vet and shakes its head.

The vet turns to the man and says, “I am very sorry but your dog is dead.”

The man is inconsolable and asks for another opinion.

The vet goes out and brings in a black labrador. He puts the labrador on the dead dog and it procedes to sniff the animal from head to tail. The labrador looks up at the Vet and shakes its head. Again the vet turns to the man and says, “I am very sorry but your dog is dead.”

The man is very sad and asks for his bill. They walk out into the reception area and he is handed the bill for a thousand pounds.

“What's this,” the man asks. “All this money just to tell me that my dog is dead?”

“Well,” said the Vet. “My initial examination would only have cost you ten pounds but you did ask for the CAT SCAN and the LAB TEST.”

[Raistlin]

Cash4Gold just sent me £350 for a lump of iron pyrite.

Fools.

[Raistlin]

The ultimate dilemma:

Whilst having a **** when watching porn, do you;

a) Wear headphones and risk not hearing someone coming up the stairs

B) Put the sound on low and risk one of the girls moaning louder than you expected, thus alerting everyone in the house

c) Use just one headphone but run the risk of only hearing the bloke in the movie grunting

[Raistlin]

What do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong.

[Raistlin]

I've been trying for years to find a new hobby which would indulge my twin fetishes of Sado-Masochism and Beastiality.

I think I may just be flogging a dead donkey.

[Raistlin]

Finally convinced the wife to go to the doctors about why she is always too tired for sex.

She came back and told me that it was due to an iron deficiency.

So I bought her a brand new "shot of steam" model for Christmas and the bitch still hasn't put out.

[Raistlin]

My wife watched a TV programme earlier about erectile dysfunction.

She said to me, "I pray that never happens to you".

Touch wood.

[Raistlin]

Whilst looking at junk food and ready meals in the supermarket today, my wife was asking me if I had any ideas on a good new years resolution for her.

I said "give up breathing"

Then I thought, I'd be a lovely husband and help her out with it.

Tesco bags. Every little helps.

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "Colombian rebels die in air strike."

Looks like British Airways have affected more people than first thought.

[Raistlin]

The body of a man, who regularly gave information about criminals to police, has been found dumped on wasteland.

Next of kin have been informed on.

[Raistlin]

What does a 'Rolex' and David Beckham have in common?

they both come in a Posh box!

[Raistlin]

My doctor has just told me that I have incontinence...

Now, you may not find this funny, but I'm ****** myself.

[Raistlin]

I covered my epileptic mate in lettuce today...

I fancied a seizure salad

[Raistlin]

I have just been advised that the amount of money it costs to feed the western world for a week could feed the third world for a year.

I don't know about you but I think we're being overcharged for our groceries.

[Bizarra]

The ultimate dilemma:

Whilst having a **** when watching porn, do you;

a) Wear headphones and risk not hearing someone coming up the stairs

B) Put the sound on low and risk one of the girls moaning louder than you expected, thus alerting everyone in the house

c) Use just one headphone but run the risk of only hearing the bloke in the movie grunting

d) Live alone & hope the neighbours aren't standing, listening with a glass against the wall

[Raistlin]

Some Unlikely Cover Versions

Thora Hird - Stairway to Heaven

Susan Boyle - Dont You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me

Stevie Wonder - I Can See Clearly Now

Nick Griffin - Black or White

Katie Price - Like a Virgin

Rihanna - Hit Me Baby One More Time

Michael Jackson - I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles

Josef Fritzl - Love Shack

Stephen Hawking - I'm Still Standing

[Raistlin]

The police saw me through the walls of my house smoking weed from the street and I was arrested.

It goes to show, people who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.

Rohypnol, if you can spell it then you have most definitely used it.

[Raistlin]

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?